THE CHINA MAIL THURSDAY SUPPLEMENT, FEBRUARY 18, 1937
THE
HUMORIST
What Happens When One Carries
his fun just a little
MARL is really an awfully
CAR
swell guy in spite of his mordant idea of humour. He's the kind of fellow who will lend you money in a poker game, only when he hands you the two bucks he says, "This makes nine- right? And could you let me have a little on account soon, be- cause so many weeks have gone by...."
When you know him, you just say "Nuts." He knows you will say it but he can't help trying to frame you.
At Charley Daniels' wedding supper he said to Char- ley, very sadly, "She gave me her honour but she gave you hand." Charley looked startled and didn't know what to make of it, but Betty doubled up laughing.
her
One of his favourites is to or der a steak, an order of lamb chops, the roast beef hash with dropped egg and the business- men's lunch. It seems obvious, but I've seen waitresses write them all down, looking amazed and respectful, then strike them off one by one as he changes his mind, and finally decides just to have apple pie and coffee.
I've told him a hundred times that some day he would get into trouble, but he never stopped. I don't think he could. It's his- imagination. Some people would write it, or make a movie, but he tries it out. He sees a chance to. frame somebody, and the first thing you know he's at it, piling. absurdity on absurdity, and mak- ing it all seem like sense.
I will admit it's terribly funny most of the time, because he's so convincing, so absolutely dead- pan. I've tried some of his more harmless pranks and I get no- where at all. Somebody makes a deflating remark, and all falls flat. It's his execution that.. makes him so deadly. Three cocktails and he will try out the most harebrained idea that seizes him:
That was the trouble the night we went to McPherson's. He'd gotten warmed up and was ready for sport. We had hardly been there two hours when I found him out in the hall, calling the precinct station in a very confid- ential way. There was an awful din in Mortimer Street," he said, giving McPherson's number. He'd heard women shrieking in three, and saw a woman run out. of the house without any clothes on and get into a car.
The cops came up in about five minutes, which Carl employed to pile up the porch furniture in front of the docz. Mac was pret- ty much flustered, because he's trying to live up to a very res- pectable neighbourhood. Cari said, the report was absurd, prob ably just some neighbour who was jealous about their having a party. The cops were all right, took a drink and walked out Carl started to follow them, but I stopped him. He was in too de vilish a frame of mind.
He wandered around the house for awhile, drinking more and mure, and I saw him pick up a glass revolver probably be- longed to Mac's boy. He looked
at it awhile and then wandered out into the hall. I followed him in a couple of minutes, and saw him going out the front door wearing Mac's big fur coat and a girl's scarf around his head. He certainly looked ridiculous.
He saw that I was watching him, but he went down the steps I and stepped behind a tree. should have tumbled, but I didn't' until I heard a fellow come walk- ing up, and saw Carl step out and jam the gun into his ribs.
The fellow looked scared to death. He didn't make a sound, just put up his hands, and stood still while Carl reached over and took out his watch.
too far
barrel, and I got Carl into the house and down into the cellar.
I had just got upstairs and got my tie straight when the cops came up again, the sirens making a terrible noise, and this fellow showing them where he stuck up. The cops came walk- ing right into the house, mad as hell, and lined us all up.
was
"It wasn't any of these fel- lows," the victim said. "It was a tall, fat fellow with a little Charlie Chaplin mustache, in a fur coat."
The cops went snooping around a little, but I guess they figured it was a practical joke, and they went
The neighbours
away.
By OVIATT MCCONNELL
“Is it an Elgin?” I heard him say. The fellow shook his head. "It's no use then," said Carl. "I only take Elgins."
He put the watch back and the fellow started away but Carl stopped him, and handed him a card.
"Seven of spades," he said "Remember.”
The man turned and ran his life.
for
I went out and grabbed Carl and dragged him back into the alleyway. He blinked at me, but I made him understand he was in a fix, and he got pretty scared.
were hanging out of windows by came that time, and when Carl up from the cellar, McPherson lit into him for fair, said he was sorry he had asked him, and wished to hell Carl would get out right now.
Carl was pretty sheepish about it, told Mac he was sorry, that he never thought about the cops coming again.
He was so abject that Mac stopped raving, but he was still pretty sore. He said Carl's jokes would end with somebody in his grave, and he only hoped it would be Carla
Mac's young sister, Jean, was all sympathy and she followed Carl over to a corner where he retreated with a drink. I guess she thought Mac had been pretty hard on a guest who just tried to have a little fun. I heard Carl telling her how badly he felt. Somebody was always hurting him, he said. It had been that way ever since he was an orphan child on the streets of New York.
The girl made a bleating note and Carl told her all how he grew up with toughs and gang- living sters, and had to make gathering up the tops of pop bot- tles in the parks. He certainly
We hid Mac's coat in a tradever dreamed, he said, that he
would grow up to be the father of eight children, all of them il-
legitimate too.
Jean was divided between sym- pathy and horror by then, and I walked over and told her it was all a pack of lies. She just gave me a dirty look and turned back to Carl. He said these children worried him, maybe that was why he had temporary fits of in- sanity. Nothing to worry about -he only became violent in the presence of a beautiful woman. It aroused the beast in him. He popped his eyes wide open then and seized her by the arm.
The girl let out a little yelp and jumped up. ́ Carl passed his hand across his brow and said, "It's nothing. Just a momentary attack"
When she excused herself, I told him for God's sake, would he go home before he set the house afire. He grinned at me, but after I gave him hell he promised to be good and to go home any time I told him to.
He was too, and we had a swell time When Carl wants to put himself out, he can be very de- cent. He sat down at the piano, and pretty soon-the boys and girls gathered around and we sang old songs for a couple of hours. There were still eight of us there at dawn, and Mac and his sister served a very ine breakfast of ham and eggs. Carl was as harmless as a St. Bernard dog by then. He pretended he thought the whole platter of ham and eggs was for him, and a few other little jokes like that, but I was all through worrying about him. I know the signs. Any- how, I thought I did.
A little before, nine, we started for work. It was only a ten min- ute walk down Market Street. Carl was humming to himself, and smiling a little. I was feel- ing pretty tired.
Out in front of the First Na- tional Bank was one of these armoured trucks, with a couple of uniformed thugs watching a guy take something out of it. I was watching them, like every- body always does, when Carl stopped.
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