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-19-
690
in Shanghai, in my deserted room, I Enew that all his description
was mere fantasy. That he never knew the reality, which was worse,
more helling than his most cunning descriptions.
can know what this agony means, when he hingelf has not endured it.
And who can describe it ? I cannot.
lo mortal pan
I must at
I don't know, how long I have layed down there.
last have closed my eyes, or have been unconscious for a while. I had some vague idea of the blessings of morphia, and was longing for the drug. Then I opened my eyes, there was some soft green light in the room. I know afterwards it came from a big Chinese lamnion lantern, hanging in front of a house in the Rue du Consulat, and shining into my room. Through the window, which the servant
I had noticed that had forgotten to close with the wooden windows. light before, when the windows of the Chinese house, from where it
May be the light had shone into my room all were not closed, came ·
that night already.
I don't know. Now it seemed to me a blessing.
I stared at it, got up slowly, and I felt something elting away
I did not hear my con: in me.
I could not realise, what it was.
I don't It was silent. This moment was true happiness. remember having known such moment before.
cience.
'2.
I saw now clear, with eyes turned insight, what my duty was. I saw to the fullest extent what my sin wast the air against myself, against my own mental being, against my whole individuali- ty. I saw that I had to throw off all this lying, to kill that great Lie of my Life, that was going to kill me and almost had
I saw,
that I had to go to Java at once, pay back
succeeded. all that accursed money, which I had deliberately stolen and was still stealing, own up to the "comite" that I had betrayed them from the very first moment, and deliver myself up to the Dutch