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this confession, so as it now is. I began writing in Dutch
and then tore some 10 pages and started in English and did
not know why, as I had then no idea of confiding all this
madness to you or to any English reader.
Whatsoever you do with it, Sir, could you not
I manage so as to prevent the public getting hold of it.
am afraid of that. Then everybody knows my sin, I think I
can only die thereafter. And die
may not my wife and
children would be cowardly and treacherously forsaken.
hatred has gone out of my heart now, and only repentance is
left, when this sentiment since a month is repentance, which I know not. lo, I can not die now, I must only atone, with
a whole life.
A11
I would implore you to help me, but how cản
mortal man help me? I am condemned and have to drink out
the bitter cup to the last drop. Perhaps I will get crazy, when I am back with those, who I love so dearly, and perhaps
I should be thankful to God for that, for I should not be
able to stand it, should they too despise me.
Believe me, Sir, very, very grateful to you
(Signed)
Douwes Dekker,