THE CHINA MAIL, SATURDAY, APRIL 8, 1561.
SATURDAY MAGAZINE
JAK
venku pilt Var%20I 2009 »
and
GEORGE
get taken for a
ride by the
British Army.
PHYSICAL
personal
abuse,
incon-
venience, loss of dignity and dentures, and hav ing our entrails ripped apart are matters of small moment to Jak and me when duty calls.
It is the job that counts. Never mind the money. If it is our lot in life to be taken for a de by The Ferret and bumped off by The Champ, so be it,
11. the British Army, wishes to test its gearboxes on my liver, then my ver is p the Army's disposal.
Mind you, had we not been the simple, unsophistleated souls that we are, we should have en suspicious from the start. As li war, we saw neither malice nor ghoulish nalicipation in the Cordial War Omee Invitation to come and see something called FVRDE..."and don't eat before your come."
So. on the first day of spring, with daffodils dancing and Jok alt over pimples, we sel out for the breezy heathlunds of Surrey. We knew not what FVRDE was all about, and after calling for Wheatsheaf directions at the
and lunching rather well at the Otter, we cared not.
I sneered.
Tested to destruction
or how we took on The Champ!
"Tell me, sir." said Jak. "Do the jeep. Takes the place of an you test vehicles to destruction?" afficer's charger. Quite exciting
Charge! We did not exactly We belted forward like start,
berserk tramcar. with Ernie at the controls in the bowels of the monster and Whiting up aloft amidships.
Maybe you've seen those plc- torture-vie- tures of parboiled
me with their heads stick- Ing out of sweat-boxes. Well, that's me and the Ferret, and
"We do," said Cel. Compton. Dismisa!" It was an elderly gatekeeper in "Also journalists," blue uniform, who eventually
military Act 5 0 course.
Disciplined Peeping out
gri From behind a high wire fence, greeted this one, but 1 merely he informed is that we were secred. If they thought I was now at the Fighting Vehicles scared they were making a big Research and Development Es mistake, This old-timer knows a subErhment of Her Majesty's thing or two. If anyone Anny. Further, he wished to gunna ride fighting vehicles it Ferret and its driver, Ernie jolts over a cunningly contrived Itnow who we were, did we have wasn't gonna be George. It was an appointment, and what we gonna be Jak. the 2.30%
was
A very tall nißleer from York-let's not argue about-grammar. shire, Lieutenant-colonel C. D. Have you ever been Incar- Tempest, of the East Anglius, is cerated in four tons of snorting sued us each with a khakt steel, hurled over hundreds of shroud (laughingly called an fiendishly angled kerbstones, and overall), and led us out to meet then been given the Ben Hur
rutted stretch of deeply Ellis.
cob- bles? "Killed a feller once at 50
Te
miles 69
"The War Office Three cactus plants, one hopes onested that you be given the ful geraniummiten emply milk jull trechnout," said Col bottle drained off a little more Compton.
of the joys of spring in the
waiting room, but we gathered
heart after they'd marched us The ferret
in to sue the Assistant Director.
Colonel C. A. O'B Compton,
M.C., RE--eight ribbons, four
an hour."' snid Ernic. Wild West
Pretty nasty. Then one day my tank caught Are all round me. But this is quite safe. I get in
No? Well, I have. And I wish
Arst. Then one of you hop in to state that what one imagines un top. Just hang on to that bit to be one's lust moments tob of rubber."
earth are not made any more comfortable by the sight of Courteously, I stood aside for Jak's leering face at the roadside "First, therefore, you will be my comrade, bul Jak, the dirty, as one is being jerked out of ail red labs, one pipe, one Iron taken in the Ferret, All-purpose sneaking
coward. had dis semblance of consciousness and vehlele. grey moustache, the lot said: reconnaissance
Teeth appeared, absent without leave, cohesion. "My God, the Press," and oaked armS. Animated metal. Four Before I could explain to the if we had any questions.
tons. Diri at the enemy. Absol- 'Army that I was merely there as They lifted Jalt, utely essential. Whereupon ex-Private
an observer. they had hoisted valce paid: "So much for the 14957020, NAOC, upped and raised the technical point we'd been rehearsing all morning:
mo
out and a
ALPI
COURSE
ditches rampaged over ruts; we we were pronounced st crashed and bashed biffed and breathing, banged, twisted and turned; this Some ime in the future, per- way, that way; forwards, back- haps, we shall recall with pride. wards, sideways; wheels in the how we mastered the Alpine nlr, In the air George in the Course of FVRDE.
air.
"Had a French Admiral once," shouted Joe, as we nose-dived over our fourth precipice.
I'm dying a thousand deaths, and he talks
French about Admirals!
Back at the hut a breakdown gang looked disappointed when
HERR STRAUSS FIXES
THE FIXER
From WILLI FRISCHAUER
Bonn.
H Minister of Defence, is so busy buying arma
ERR_Franz-Josef Strauss, West German
ments that, at first sight, it might seem surpris- ing that he has recently devoted much time to two comparatively minor items on the vast shopping list of his Ministry.
The items ore 114,700 trousers, oliva, colour, linen material; and
0.846 white stiff cotturs, "aller vielims were punished, sho was only temporarily detained cers for the use of,"
and is now happily boek in
With them the Minister has business (non-governmental), courtgeously attacked one of The cane the scefal evily of West Get- many--corruption,
CLOSE CONTACT
Although it is some time since the case of the trousers
tuning a business contract from a government department.
by no means imique. The list of Defence Ministry employees who havo been sentenced for corruption containe 22 names, They were sentenced to a intal of 14 years' Imprisonment,
and collars cecupied the Ges- Hut the Defence Ministry is mon courts, Herr Strauss has not the only pen in Bonn which Strauss only just succeeded in introduc- harbours black sheep. ing legislative device which has ruthlessly drawn the velt will enable the courts to the from the activities of thousands anybody paying commlsalon-or of people the Germans describe employing a middleman who as "lobbyists." regelves commission for ob- It appeurs that Ambitiotm businessmen have for years been in the habit of employing In the trousers trial an attrac- "xors" with necess to "comic- tive businesswomen In her one in le Ministry." Contracts, forties established what Is It turned out, were too valuable described as a "close contact" to be left to chance or fair with an offcial of the Defenzo" bidding. Tens of millions of Ministry's Supply Department. marks have been turned over in
this way. In return for substantial
favours, the official not only 10 PER CENT FINE
kept her informed about rival bids but also offelally described
The practice Is no Brmly the bid of the trousers, and established that it is still re- callar Arms she represented as garded as doubtful whether Herr the mest favourable, although Strauss's new measures will her prices were higher than stamp it out. those of 30 other firms. received the contract,
She
When the dishonest official, who had accepted several vale
Imprisoned
For the time being however, abic gifts for his wife and him- travellers in the Bagshot arcaselt, was indicted,
The measures against "lobby- trig" provide for tines of 13 per cent of the total value of the conteret involved.
As a Bonn cynie said, the
are asked to keep a sharp look-und dismissed, the woman ap- only result to be expected is out for stomach. It's inine. proached his successor,
George Whiting
-Landon Expreza Sorotia).
E
who that the prices which · Govern- was soon doing business with ment departments have, to pay her;
will go up by 10 per cent — to The woman is said to have reinsure the commission hyenas mvndc steady income of against the danger of a fine, HK$160,000 a year,
**-(London Express Servlec}. Although
PETER CHAMBERS
EFFERVESCENT AND AS FRESH AS THE WEEK-END
The big thirst for O.K. English!
London.
"Next, the Alpine Course in me into the palpitating Forrat easy park Now we'll go to THE luck you have, you people who know how It took him 20 minutes of exactly 249 pupils. This year
the Champ. Lead carrier. Com and retired to a safe laughing Bagshot and show 'em the rough mand vehicle. British version of point. Damn funny.
· Bat you Melinecily asked me to find a
good safe opener!"
i súre i rentelber you!" Aperi's got ibu châp kho,
did'nech à Tiniy semärit job für mira
stuff."
д
At Bugshot they've got concrete hut on the edge of a canyon, and. In that but they've Hol a stretcher, a box of first- id equipment, a spaniel named Tuppence and a track controller named Joe Wood. The whole
before the management allowed we shall handle 5,000,"
to pronounce Leicester; who can read this explanation in broken English at Palleer alone, mind you newspaper without stumbling over an unknown pust participle.
For you belong to a privileged multitude-the English-speakers of the world.”
This is the biggest folicing,
carlh Jonesome joint club on
bigger (much
in
"English spoken hero" Is the him back into the elnemato collect his coat.
truest slogan for the school, for Meanwhile, back with the pen within these classroom walls the of our aunt at the Soho school, Atudents are forbidden to speak Mr Turner took a break from any other language. the Elementary Class, paced tho It would be a Tower of Batiel bleak boards of the staff room, otherwise,
One closa I visited containėď and told me:--
"The amazing thing is that two French students, Ave Ger
three Swisa, and one eight weeks ago, none of the mans,
from Jordan, people in that clars knew any student each
the Lebanon, English at all. Our language is Austria, Finland,
and Yugoslavia, Hongkong, full of snags, you know,
Greece, you've got to be patient."
The "nigs" cropped up Hailans are very liable to "do alarmingly In the Advanced mistake" when confronted with Class, which was attended by 27
The silence in the chalk-dusty 100 like
Wid Weat❘ than the Chinese club) and alr was anally broken by an lynching shed, and Joe, who millions flock to join it every falian youth who said firmly: wields a dangerous-looking clasp year.
"Sir, you do a mistake." 1001, In Britain alone, kalfe to shred black twist to-
foreigners and bacco, regards you with the pro- about 100,000
citizens แFA fessional detachment of a publle Commonwealth
attending cineses io learn Cutside, the forse covered | English. Alpine Course gapes for miles Attention, classi across the blusted heath.
"I buy the China Mall today the English language. Take the young women and myself.
executioner.
The bar
The nurse
and
"That's for you," said Joe. I bought the Chino Mail yes- classic case of Mr Enzo Apicella, Like a Boy Scout who has un- Misa Ascension Turon, "Parts of the course resemble terday." How normal that word palnier and designer, who ar- accountably crushed the Girl auburn-haired Spanish ziri, | Australian terroin. Other parts"bought" sounds to us, who rived in this country in 1900 Guldes' camp fire session, I earos HK$120 a week as an India, South Africo, Kenys, command the tongue of Shake and had a curious experience in listened to the teacher, Miss assistant nurse at University Canada and the bumpy bits of speare on our birthright, how a Notting Hill cinema.
Martinet, instrues the class in College Hospital, Burma.
ever we mumble and mutilate "It was my Arst day in conditionel, or "if," senterers. **You will go down one-in-it in our daily speech.
England and I moke only a few "Miss Colamari, the next sen- Her ambition: to return to four,
one-in-three-point- But how old "bought" seems words English,"
Enzo. lence, picase."
Madrid us a fully-qualified Geven-five, down again, then up to a Greek. Only the mad, "Between nims, the lights come Miss Calamar) (hesitantly): English-Inngange secretary anasty one-in-two to a knife-Byronic English could have on. 1 nm thirsty. I look around 1 I had known he was in hus-
so curious in and I see on a door two words pital ... should have now. But Spaniards, more than edge, turn left at Sly Corner, If invented a word we make it, followed by a trip-spelling
in which I understand: Bar visited him."
up
and
bizarre
le bump into a sharp descent of pronunciation. one-in-two. And ao.on."
The Champ, two tean of men,
observe
ave in metal, stood quiveririg
for its victims. They removed At Pulteney School in Soho
the doors so we could fall out reccatly, I sat in multi-racial more easily, and 1, by a siroke Clig rooms and
of sheer military, genius in the brain-puzzling face of danger, manoeuvred Jakearning English. into the open portion.
cbserved the
torments 01
This is one of several schools
language.
pay 11 modicit
sold
Open,"
What he actually saw this:-
WAR
PUSH BAR
TO OPEN
Joe let in his clutch, fondiedinin by the London County is gear lever as lovingly an afConelt for people who want to cardsharper caressing an extra learn our universal ace, and away we roared hall-The students bent for Kilimanjaro and king-ITK345 a term. dom come,
The scene the Elementary Class, Mr Turner, the teacher, Image Jack Brabham gone to explaining the- difference raving med on. » Big Dipper In Between "do" and "make.". an, air-raid,: Double It, nád thei:: Thin is tricky, because English ylalon of Jah's pandemieicken has two words where most texturen, and, You'ya, Kelį poma í Kádýran languages have one idea of what 16. fowls like Lastani (jutre, machen, fare, hacer, What a surpriso. for Enzol the Champ on the Alpina Cooran felé.),
When the door clapped shut he #back, alley alagalog. Se mere 41 "Now, do you make a mi- found himself in
We weht up un diy down, I take or do as mistake?".`uska, with not gyen:
an captent down, down, we, diyed over Mr. Turner..
mhghine in sight.
5,000 pupils
Arcension sprake good English
any other European prople, find the language meult. It has taken her two and a half years. There enger young people find English easy rf fral and, in the All correct. An easier triumph end, dismayingly dimeuil. fallowed for Miss Stelnheber,
However long they study, tho, who sold: 1 vill go med, unlesa. Spanish will continue to pro ho turns off the radio.
the "" in "have" s
popular wen doch, an' doris,"
Ons "if" sentence in the book a Scoumon may, "ch" in a "g
cake,"
*
was the tie of American rong. And Misa The French to the end of Dampfhauser, after Ave arcends their lives, will kny “I pus on of ticking silenge, Alled in the my clothier.!! == verba in this manner:
The teachers at the Suho Tuff I had finata, you soare relinol get together in the staff coming, Ihat had
baked a room between elnares and wil their own, affectionate Jokes The man who runs Pulteney Ebout their pupils, School, and associated, Langlon A recent story. Is culled from County
Council language à Swire lea
- On The zchools, is a plump... Jolly Jus- Welfare State in England. tee of the Peace named Walter "It is very good in England Lenegre,
when you trò alek,” she write. You want to know how the "You go free to the hospital for. whole, ibing hipa growi?", "sold your farewell.” Mr Denegras. Din 1925 we had -Gandon Kapivša Maruluija
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