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THE CHINA MAIL,
OXFORD ODDITIES.
THE MEMORIES OF A HUMORIST.
KEBLE HOWARD'S TALES.
in
"'Wolf' replied the mother, "the angels brought Mrs. Jones a little baby last night.
"'H' observed the small girl," It must have boon very carefully packed." "*.
student who failed time and time again to overcome his look of on- thusiasm for arithmetic. "Thin aged gentleman had come to Oxfort nany yours previously with the set Intent of taking his degree. But he could not get through Smalls, and
Farewell to Khaki. arithmatie (the whole) was the. Perhaps the most humorous ox trouble. The went on, and he perience in Mr. Kobla. Howard's life. Mr. Koble Howard's humour, rented a house, married, and settled was his valiant endeavour, a year its fresimess, vitality, and friendlí. down in Oxford. Three times a year after the War, to be domobilised ness, is strongly reminiscent of hu presented himself for examination from the Ministry of Information. Dickens. My Motley Life" in Smalls, and three times a year ho Ho apparently escaped the atten Fisher Unwin) is Mr. Kablo was stendily ploughed In urithmetic. tioms of authority, much as he strove
Children were boen to hin-sons to acquaint them with the circum Howard's story, and it is told with who grew up; entered the Univer-stances of his dilemma. Ho report most ungaging spontaneity.
"The first hero i øver met was my effort, went out into the world, mur. at length arrived at the Elotel Cecil, father," writes Mr. Kobio Howard. His father was Vicar of Henley-ried in their turn; and made the old where, in Room 817, he met a very in-Arlen, and
preucher #
gentleman'n grandfather. of
Still he important official in the net of tele istinction and personality of un-could not pass Suds, although phoning to the Prime Minister
ml vigour and independence. In had all the other subjects at his the Commander-in-Chief. the village street there was a private tingers' ends. The examiners **What do you want?' he cursed. asylum from which some of the
Veenme personal friends of in blood curdling tones, imantes were nt intervals wont to the aged candidate. They used to" wander. One day s male lunatic dine at his house and invite him to ferenped and the wife of one of the
their own houses. keepers approached the Vicar plond- "Can you imagino a grown man ing for his help. "Certainly, being so idiotie? Can you imagine and him for you. Don't you
a farcu such as this being played ined the latter half of the sentence I worry," said the Vieur.
the greatest University in the world moved to one side, entangled my "After walking for so little for a generation nad moro?
foot in something, and there follow. time, he saw in the distance a dark a **In Jubileo year-the 1807ed the most sickening crash! I had figure that was certainly not JAN Jubilac of Queen Victoria-they failed to mind the wire, caught my agricultural labourer. Thinking that
foot in it, and wrenched the receiver this might be the lunatic, my father
clean out of the grasp of this took off his fiat, waved it vigorously,
traordinarily, martial fellow. and shouted, "Hi i'
"I told you to mind the wire !" he yelled.
sity, took their degrees withouted here, there and everywhere, and
"The figuro turned and camo towards hitn. The Viear stood his ground. By this time he was eer. tain that he find found the wanted 34.
thought the fare had gone on long enough and let him through. The old gentlemann immediately passed
all his other examinations and took
his degree. But he had been kept waiting for twenty-five years be cause he could not satisfy the examiners that he was converant with all the rules of arithmetic.”
Excuse me,' said the lunatic,
Mr. Keble Howard, during his politely. Can you tell me the way years as a student in Oxfonl, met o Henley-in-Arden?'
the famous Dr. Spooner, the in- 'Certainly, replied my father.ventor of "Spoonerisins." I am going there myself. Will you give me the pleasures of your com pany ?
A
"Spooneriam" is usually associated with nervous people who, in their punic, transpose initial letters: for "Delighted, sail the inblo example, the curate who, christon erenture. And they both retraced ing the twins, referred to them as heir steps. By this time the whole "Steak and Kidney." Here is Mr. town was alive, with the news. A Keble Howard's story of an authen-n jeart and horse had been procured,tie "Spooneriam":-
unned with stalwarts and driven up the road towards Birmingham.
This gallant party was in the act of farding the, flood when, do their amazement, they saw my father and his strange companion looking at then over the hedge.
"Can you give is a lift?' cried my father- question very often on his ips in tliose days, when the nearest railway station was four miles dis- tant-and, I need hurdly say, we had no vehicle of our own except a double perambulator.
***Jump in, sir,' malled the war- riors. And thus the lunatic was restored to sad captivity, and keeper saved his position."
Grandfather Persists.
A piquant comment on the admin istration of the University of Oxford is contained in a story of a venerable
Oh, Dr. Spooner,' said one of the ladies, aren't you afraid your deur little kitten may fall and get killed?'
***Not a bit,' replied the doctor. In fact, she did fall the other day. **'Oh, Doctor!' cried all the hor rified Indies. Was she hurt?'
Not in the least. Simply pop ped on her draws and ran across the quad.'
+1
Garefully Packed.
Mr. Pett Ridge is in old friend of Mr. Keble Howard's who quotes one of the former's excellent after-dinner stories.
"A little girl was walking down a street with her mother. Thoy came to a portion of roadway' which was covered with straw.
Mummy, she said, 'why is all that straw in the road?'
ROM
1878 1928
TO
or
If you please, sir, I want to be demobilised.
***Oh, you lo, do you? Stand an one side and mind the wire.'
"In my anxioly to please, I mi88-
ex.
"My tum caine at last, and my papers were savagely inspected. (No chair or smiles for the likes o' me)
**Go down the passage and you'll come to a partition. Go behind it, and show them your papers. Then come back here.
"I wont meekly down the passago and found the partition. Behind it sat three small boys-nged respec- tively, I should say, fourteen, thir- teen, and twelve.
"The one aged fourteen indicated chair in front of him and took up his pen.
Demobbed ?" 'Yes, please," 'Name?' "'Bell.' "Profession?' 'Author.'
"He sat back and gazed back at ine steadfastly. Are you,' he said at last the author of Bell's Latin Grammar?"
'I am afraid not."
"All personal interest vanished. *Claiming disabilities?' he shot out. " "I-r---I don't know. I might. 'If you do,' he said, impressive. it will take you six weeks longer to get demobbed. Disabilities ?*
"No disabilities."
ly,
"Ha scribbled a few more lines and then handed me a form. Tako that back to the room you came from, and in two minutes you'll be out of the Army:''
THE
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