1948-05-12 — Page 4

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'Excuso มะ just

moment, sir."

Every Wednesday in the Telegraph:

H

Sitting

ERE'S one in the eye for

the Soviet Information Bureau.

Stung by American accusa- tions of perfidy, the enraged moujiks have lashed out at all the wrong people.

In the schoolgirl game of "You're. Another names of perfectly in- nocent men have been mentioned as separate peace makers and secret. negotiators with Adolf Hitler, Her- mann Goering, and most of the olher apes in the Nazi Zoo, when all the time it was-guess who?

Yes, you're quite right. It was your Uncle Nat.

For the Arst time the amazing adventures of this counter-espion- 11 bock oxe expert posing as columnist are told below.

*

on the Fence

by NATHANIEL GUBBINS

I spent

und

was soon

The

SEARCH FOR THE PERFECT STEAK

MA

By John Rosonburg

AURICE Drelcer, known to hundreds of American restaurant man ng "Crown Prince of the Sirloin," admits failure in his five- year search for the perfect steak.

4

It gets downright discouraging," he said rucfully, as he polished off his speciality in a New York hotel.

Take what happened last year.

a

"The Mayor of Now Orleans sends me wire: "In your search for the perfect steak come

to New Orleans. We have it."

"But," Dreicer said gloomily, "I couldn't call

what they offered the 'perfect steak","

* "Not evon," he added, "after they had given

me the key to the city."

MANY TESTS MADE

pro-

Dreicer, who has two local radio grammes, lectures and teaches speech, said ho 'teated steaks from Antoine's in New Orleans to the Whirlpool in Niagara Falls and from Loch Ober's in Boston to Harvey's in Chicago and the Ambassador on the Gold Coast,

"All good and some excellent," he said. "But none perfect."

"To be perfect," Drelcer_added__dreamily,” the steak must follow certain standards."

He named them.

(1) The steak must come from a steef. (Preferably a four-year-old),

that they wanted to know who the

hell I was.

*

**

Schmellingpantz then

*

told them

I was field-marshal in the British Home Guard.

They both stood up and saluted and I told Corporal Hitler not to salute

with his hat off, keep his hands out of his pockets, and generally Bmarten himself up. Luckily he didn't understand what

I said.

Then Hitler yelled at poor old Schmellingpontz again, the trans- speed- lation being that he had heard so I said I could for another £100,- many

over which he handed

im in a black Mercedes up the Reckin- much of the ferocity of the Home 000,

most of this hausenstrasse, along

Midden- Guard that he had decided not to mediately.

K I would disband described by

the Home) buying drinks for the Home Guard. heapeplatz and into the presence of invade England.

Herr Schikelgruber,

a separate Mr Winston Churchill at the time Guard he would sign

prace. He would then be free to as Corporal Hitler.

attack Russia in fuil strength and wipe them out in three weeks..

Military secrets

WHEN I met Stinken trouser

knew.

oil 1 week later I told him

*

It was teatime, and Hitler

was

and

(2) Aging should last from six to eight weeks.

(3) Before

cooking, the steak should be kept at room temperature for two hours.

(4) The steak should be cooked fire-seared frst, over a charcoal then cooked three Inches from the iamo for three or four minutes on each side.

"So it's rare-not raw," Dratcer said.

/WANTS HEATED PLATTERS

Dreicer Insists that steaks be served on pre-heated oak platters. He contends that

the oak holds heat better than porcelain.

Once served, the steak undergoes the "Dreicer Test."

ment

Under' operation No. 1, the has its temperature taken.

"Its got to be just 120 degrees," Dreicer said. His tone implied that any more or less would rate a fat zern for the house.

the After laying

thermometer neide, Dreicer whips out a magnits- ing glass with a tiny flashlight at- tached and examines the sirloin's tissues.

If there's any sign of fat, he leaves the table.

A silver butler knife climaxes the test.

"If it slides through without too much pressure, the steak's okay," Drelcer said.

GIVES CHEFS AWARDS Drelcer said that whenever he

With a flourish of a pudgy hand, the chef the 'Dreifer Award!" he called the walter.

"Send in the ébet please,"

he

I replied that so far I had only Hinds a steak that rates "excellent"

knife.

With appropriate inscriptions For two million he could wipe out I said that eo for as our local eating cream buns and carpets. liceen offered a million for the job. he awards the chef a silver butter

we were had bitten his way through most of anybody and as many people as he attached, of course. was concerned platcon

"As a matter of fact," he said, you 1940, a Persian rug stolen from Poland liked so far as I was concerned.

unusual witness an about 15

May strong in

rifle each and ten when I entered, and servants were

He said he would make it three are about to

event. I've just had my 23rd *ex- armed with a

of rugs tind bringing in relays

million, with a million on account. rounds of ammunition.

cellent steak and I'm going to give doughnuts on trays.

I agreed, took the million, We were now about 50 strong and

cating meant that the Fuehrer was round 1 left for England. It was in May 1940, after the fall since May had used a lot of things callingpantz and the carpet- after a rug and a rock cake all

than usual at everybody.

But when I got home I was so of France, that I was first approach-besides rifles. We had terrified the madder ed by two men wearing obviously local inhabitants by throwing bottles in other words, the old persecution busy spending this million with the

of blazing oll about, and we mania was holling up. full

Home Guard in the golf club and false beards who sald they were

were the only troops in the world

Goering was also there, playing the local, that I forgot to disband hand ilve from the Foreign Office.

who could handle

right down the front of his tunic Pulling off their beards. I said: grenades with a hangover and still with his medals. They were hong- them.

and halfway down his back. I re- "Don't try to fool an ex-newspaper

member wondering if he had medal

Well, that, moujiks, is the full reporter. "Captain-General-Lance-

ribbons sewn on to his pyjamos..

Then Hitler yelled at Goering and story of perfidious Albion during Corporal von Stinken-trouser

back. Then they the war. For a couple of devalued Herr Doktor von Schmellingpantz.

Goering yelled

at Schmellingpantz, roubles and a bottle of vodka you both yelled Remember I am a trained

who told me in a trembling voice can publish it anywhere you like. ver."

They were amazed me how I knew.

summer

live.

I sald we also had tommy guns, and and since I had pinched 50 rounds of ammunition for mine there was a lot of anxiety In the neighbour- obser- hood.

And asked

that

I told them that as it was a hot the sun was melting the glue on their beards; also Foreign Office officials didn't usual ly have heads as square as a lump of sugar and talk like German sples in a third-rate melodrama.

"But

our

the

⭑ ☆

Then he asked me about H.G. morale, and I said it was terrific.

I told him we were the most bloodthirsty troops in the country. Most of us carried either lenives or revolvers about as well as rifles, and by us were plastered as many ten o'clock at night we were some thing to be reckoned with.

names?" asked

He said he would send a secret wooden-headed Heinles. "How vos report to Hitler, and handed me It dot you our names know?" another £100,000 to get more in-

formation.

I told them all German names sounded the same to me. You' Just sald "Von," cleared your throat and blew your nose and you'd got it.

In Berlin

Ing

*

|ROCKETING TO THE MOON-

OCKET men believe they know enough right now to

missile as far as

the

R shoot a moon.

U.S. But, as

omeial of the an National Advisory Committee for Aeronautics puts it:

the

Jan hour.

good

sold.

When the chef arrived, Drefcer gald proudly: "You are the recipient of the 23rd 'Drelcer Excellent Steak Awurd!"

The chef look puzzled, accepted the sliver bulter knife, murmured. his thanks and departed,

Later he said:-

"I do not understand. The steaks cook them all the same."United Prcss.

Practical, But Where Is The Point In It?

can

With several fuel chambers, one necessary to trace it with radar and "Nobody can think of any

firing immediately after another, the to energise its sicering mechanism reason for wanting to do it.

to US. Army Signal Corps engineers constant acceleration necessary "It would be interesting, all right," rocket probably could achieve the via radio.

cost a lot boost it to the moon if the chambers have bounced radar pulses off the he said, "but it would

moon, so it is known that ultra of money, tack a lot of planning, were dropped off after exhaustion. and use up a lot of time that might But what was left of the rocket high frequency micro-waves be better spent."

after losing its weight of fuel and be projected for into space.

But the manifold problems of Among the big diflculties would fuel chambers would be very little.

and. to pay navigation, Instrumentation, onc. If the control are a long way from being carth's gravitational pull, a ruc- load is about 1,000 to They then asked me it I would WHEN I next met Stinkentrouser be power and control. To escape The ratio of gross biver

he was getting short of money, ket would have to lit 25,000 miles rocket weighed 1,000 pounds at the solved. There are other dimultica become a German spy for £100,000. so I had to buy him a beer.

start, It would weigh only one pound too. Such as the fact arrived

mathematically-that rocket noses I said certainly, and took the money

He said Schmellingpantz had just

The best rocket speed yet attain- at the end of its journey. at once. Later I spent most of it

would tend to melt off at the speeds One theoretical design calls for n in London pubs trying to be brave crossed from Germany in a U-boat ed in tests is 3,600 miles an hour. A

with the news that Hitler wanted captured German V-2 went that five-step rocket weighing about 400 required,

tong

initial with

thrust during air raida.

Much has been written about mis- arranging a

tast at White Sands, last year.

V-2 siles of the future that will fly It went 114 miles almost straight 3,000,000 pounds. The 14-ton

initial thrust of only continuously around the earth-un- up and then fell back to earth. An develops an

ill told via radio to descend on their escape rockel, if it missed the moon, 85,000 to 00,000 pounds.

Control difficulties are, if any target and of rocket ships plying In the spring of 1941 Sunken-

tured by the grayltational field of thing, tougher than power problems. Inter-planetary space. trouser asked me if I had found out

would keep going until it was cap some other planet.

To hit the moon, the rocket's path Or, if its velocity was not AT 2.30, 5.20, anything. I sold "No." What did

quite would have to intersect the satelite's he want to know, anyway?

I said: "How much if I bring it

I enough to kick it entirely free of orbit. off?" Ko said: "A million."

"In other words," becomo

the was very said: "O.K.," and He said that "Hitler

felt I could the earth's pull, it would

an man said, "you'd shoot, the worried about the Home Guard.

afford to buy him another beer, a satellite, endlessly following

out into space and let the especially as the fool had heard that though I hoped it would choke him. elliptical orbit around this planet.

To hit the moon, a rocket using catch up with it." I was in it. Could I and out the

That would take some fancy cal- Within the hour I was taken by the best fuels now available, would

control strength of the Home Guard, the

aiming. To type of weaporiz it used and the Schmellingpantz to a secret airfield, have to pack something like five or culating and

course it would be state of its morale?

put in a secret aircraft for Ger- more powertul punches.

NEXT CHANGE: "BLOOD AND SAND”

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Gratitudel

CRASH

OOPS

STANE

to

mc about SCC separate pence,

The report he had sent in about the Home Guard had brought this about.

an

the rocket's

By Ernie Bushmiller

DAT'S A FINE WAY TO RETOIN-

A BASEBALL--

WITH TH

COVER ALL

TORN

of

Rocket men are Inclined to com- pare such talk with the kind they heard during the "atomic silly sea- NACA son" just after the bombing of Hiro- rocket thima. They remember the stories moon they heard about driving aeroplanes with bits of uranium the size of aspirin tablets....

JOSEPH MYLER

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