1960-08-15 — Page 6

THE CHINA MAIL,

MY JAK and URGENT GEORGE

MEMO TO THE NEW

CABINET

by

FIELD-MARSHAL

LORD HARDING

WE have sent the 1st Battalion The Duke of Wellington's Regiment to Kenya to reinforce the strategic reserve stationed there.

endure the “tortures'

that go on in a Finnish sauna bath DID you ever take a bath? The

habit has much to commend it, and, until recently, there was no- body to whom it could be recom- mended more strongly than to my colleague Jak.

The whole matter, you will ap preciate, is rather personal, and I do not wish to go into too many intimate pros and cons.

Awkward moments

Suffice to say casionally lake us

that our duties oc- into some rather sanitary circles, where the visitor presenting anything but a wholesome, well-scrubbed appearance is apt to cause an involuntary eyebrow to lift, a delicate nostril to contract,

There have been pregnant gaps in the conversation, surreptitious edgings towars the window when Jak has walked in.

It has been most awkward

at times, and a crisis was point blank why I did not get my mate cleaned up a bit.

reached when I was asked

MONDAY, AUGUST 15, 1960.

"RONT GET ALL

What a way to find out

Romans went in for it whole- sale.

What does one do when one's the

Had he not heard of Julius Caesar doffing his toga in apodyterium, getting all nearest and dearest is thus im- steamed up in the sudatorium cooling off in the peached? These cartoonist types and are pretty sensitive, as well frigidarium?

being

soap allergic to and water, and any direct

But is one battalion enough? Can it be follow- ed up and at high speed? Have we really learned the main lesson of Malaya, Kenya, and Cyprus, that the way to stop fires is to smother them as soon as they flare up and at the same time to hasten measures needed to get at the root causes of the to go had wash hut locks would have brought on all soris of artistic tantrums. troubles?

"The Duke's" is a very fae regiment, as good as any in the no doubt Army, and I have they will prove equal to any task they are given, no matter how unorthodox or uncongenial,

But according to the

15

as

discussed between the Govern- No blondes And has it ments concerned? been settled? It certatily should have been by now.

If every commander must know what his powers and must reports duties are. every soldier

be understand what he has to do.

That

applies to territories where the responsiblily is ours or shared with the local Govern- ments, and it is difficult enough,

The protection, and rescue if need be, of British nationals in other countries is an even more

but must difficult, matter. fared.

I have seen they will not more than 600 strong, which well below the

economic minimum for an infantry bat- talion On internal security duties which simply swallow up men in no time.

Four items

be

They were Lown out in the Britannias of R.A.F. Trans- port Command, which at long last is getting, though still too slowly, the longer range, greater load carrying capacity aireral!

Finally, and most difficult of it needs to give the essential mobility to the Army's strategic all, there are the broader inter-

national issues involved.

reserve.

re- Jak immediately wanted to know if Cleopatra also got round to dotting anything in apodyterluin. A crude

the

a man is white..

gathered in the fulness of spring

In Lapland.

With my permission, Exik, Olli and Matti lent a bend at this stage, and those boys really know their birches, Jak, swear, was becoming cleaner every minute.

Next, we washed the leaves off him, got rid of the deep-down-

In no time, at all we had Jak In the corner are simmering dirt in a third session in the Anybody who thinks I would have let him out unwashed stripped down to the albogether, chunks of granite on which Peter sauna. tossed him into a cold after I'd gald 253. had better and I must say Poler and Bert and Bert toss water to keep the bath, towelled him, and lowered Other him gently on to the massage bore the spectade with com- humidity up to scratch. think again.

mendable fortitude, Personally, furnishings include a thermo- bed. I felt in need of i drink.

question, but at least 1t show- A challenge

ed a spark of interest,

Nor, I felt, would it have been in

a comradely gesture to keep Marie harping on detergents.

I

So I tried the technical-cum- historical approach. Baths, explained, were merely a process of immersing the body in some medium other than atmospheric air for the purpose of curing hangovers.

Nor would Jak, if he under- took the venture, be pandering to some nouveau riche form of barbarism. Quite well-connect- od people, I assured him, had been taking baths since the days of Crossus, Phaistos, and other top-Hners of the Aegean civilisation.

Moorish

meter which creeps irresistibly

up to 200 degrees Fahrenhe; Done him good

and a bell you can ring if you feel you are being over-cooked.

To those unfamilar with the

Peter and Bert, kneading. I told him about the baths Two large physio-therapists, rial of the suna 'I would

escape-valve, I pummelling.

and slapping, This last harems, about magnificently male and very explain that you merely holl the Antoinette's famous much ex-Amy sportsmen, an- patient in invisible steam, then might mention, was not of any anohting our cute little car-

as Peter freeze him, boll him again, lub in Versailles, and we grad- nounced themselves

der, said the sauna had ob- ually got

round to Finland, Collings and Bart Hescots and freeze him again, and so on until great nee to my friend because toonist with olive and laven- where blonde attendants

are said they would look upon Jak he is ready for the nearest slab, the three large Fins were lying viously done him the world of

between him and it.

good. with birch-twigs in the local professional skills washers- known to bash the customers as a direct challenge to their Very invigorating. rauma baths.

Jak's normally rheumy eyes

positively gleamed at this final piece of sales-talk, So I went dead cunning and remarked, all casual like, that I knew where they had a sauna

bath right in London,

up.

There was no knowing, they concluded, what they might dis- cover after they had removed a few layers of Jak-dust.

After I'd taken tea with the

removed receptionist, we

the

True, the sagging abdominais Jak whimpered a little at first,

and the imisplaced pectorals but a joint sardonic look from

reminded them of a fugitive mee large Finns, Messrs. Erik. Olli and Matti, kept him quiet poor, shapeless thing that had from a dissecting room, but they we shoved him into the sauna been Jak, and damped it under. felt sure I should persevere with

him.

room.

a soapy thower:

Nor must one be niggardly"

in 90 minutes, I now know Jak

In Finland, said Mr Collings, This is a cage of bitch, pine, Then back to the saunk, and with one's persozial praise. they had 80,000 lakes, tons of and aspen, wherein you lie stark ice and snow, and several mil- naked on a wooden rack reached this was the funniest bit of all. After six boll-freeze sauna-SOBICS lion acres of birch trees, and by three steps that remind you while at the moment they were of the guillotine. I think the for the time had now come for to be a white man. a little short of these materials Finn who invented It had been Jak to be flayed with the vichis.

the French meaning

True, there were no blondes but by the time Jak had dis covered the omission I'd got in the Haymarket, he guard reading about the Spanish I only hope that the vitally So far one of the indepen-

and friend like Inquisition him inside the place and arrang- teed to sta my and dent countries of Central and Important light aircraft

Africa has fallen

ed to have him decarbonised. he'd never been satma-ed before. Revolution. helicopters needed to give "The Southern

there

the

Duke's" tactical mobility and under Communist political con- air supply facilities also trol. But the danger is sent to Kenya. Mobility is the for all to see.

If this were answer to shortage of only numbers.

as

to happen

be consequences might well To quote General Jeb Stuart disastrous for Africa as a whole, the famous Confederate cavalry from the strategic as well leader of the American Civil the political point of view. And War, the secret is "o get there so. as a soldier, it seems to fustest with the mostest" and there are four things to be as General Alexander recently done:--

me

British-trained soldiers can do Atrica and make up our wonders if they arrive in time.

Ancient Egyptians and Greeks washed regularly, and the

When you settle £100,000

A NARROW red door

sand-

proved in the Congo A few 1 To look well ahead. In wiched between garages graces minds on the policy we intend No. 14 Bourdon Street, off Berke ley Square. Ring the bell. A buzzer pressed from above unlocks the door. Push it and up the stairs to the third floor.

to pursue. Difficulties

But no matter how quickly the soldiers arrive they will be useless unless they know what

they have to do.

to

To make sure we have enough troops on the spot nip disorder in the bud be fore it gets out of hand, and to ensure that our troops are fully equipped mobile and properly

The policy must be clear and understood by all, and policy in for anything that may come these matters is for Govern their way.

To be ready to reinforce ments to decide.

Has the British Government "The Duke's" at very short decided what to do should the notice if needs be, and ahead of disorders spread to Kenya. Tan- the needs, not behind it.

in anyika. and Uganda-lerritories. To redouble our efforis for which we still have direct conjunction with those who responsibility? Has the difficult think like us to get at the root question of the extent to which causes of the troubles in Africa the Government in London can and to prevent the Communists and should be prepared to in- from securing a foothold there. tervene in the Rhodesias been

-London Extness Service),

1ST PLACE

"While I was out driving I took « WIDE

Here in a beautiful large living- cumworkroom you are greeted by Douglas Collins, a tall, dark, clean- shaven man who says that he works now practically for nothing.

Collins

had this room built the old mews cottage on to when he became the chairman of the British Lion film enter- prise three years ago.

On the walls hang £ne pic- tures ("My only extravagance"). There is

a Manquet and Boubin. Recently he sold a Pissarro at Sotheby's (at happy profit.").

/ Cash down

each on your children-then you've arrived!

by TUDOR JENKINS

that I don't have to pay when go to the cinema" He told me now he got the job.

He was a director of the Na tional Film Finance Corpora tion, of which Sir, Nutcombe The room is also his working Hume is chairman, British Lion freadquarters. He has through had lost millions, a large part of telephone lines to the British which was taxpayers' money. In Lion onces in Soho and to its the Corporation's boardroom, studio at

was its most violent Shepperton; to the Collins offices in Bond Street of Goya, critic

they used to; mediocre pictubes that used to make a profit now make a ins; and yood plelukes meke sanglier protis

"You have to be an optimist in thefim business-always bape that the other fellow's pictures will not be as good as your own."

No interest

DOUGLAS COLLINS:

"I haven't had a rise

for 15 years'

birch branch

George Whiting

--{London Expreze Service).

time

Her

married again. perity," says Collins. As the the Shepperton Studios. His mother Because of "there domestic dark clouds gathered he sat father hopes they will be able circumstances he had every penny he could raise la to borrow appropriate scenery Itinerant education, in England. raw materials. These kept the for the night from bue of the Canada and Swizerland.

Goya factory going for two films being shot there at that In addition to his mews house

At 16 he started work. His years. the cosmetics firm, and the "At Inst," he says, “Not Hume

decided the best way to saut me Collins has the 500-acre How fast Jobi wicking sbels on wine Then he bought a seized cargo: The girl knows Shepperton factory at Amersham.

It is on the Goya enterprise up was to put me in to testhorn Farm as Great Mimenden batting at the Hotel de Faris in

of foreign perfumes, The well She is working there. She In the Chilterns. There he has Monte-Carlo, " that Collins bufit up his British Lion." fortune. He founded It just be-

He was promoted to the office perfumes were no good," he rt has a role as a sixth former in That was three years ago. 1,000 pigs. Very profitable,” he

dfan nasociated hotel, the walls. "But we extracted the the St Trintari film now being fote the war. With its associated The financial structure was res rays.

There he alcohol and that kept us going made there. concerns i grew to an interna- organised. "The first year" He has a 17-ton diesel-engine Carlton at Cannes.

recalls, ional affair, making perfumes Collus

Jast yacht, which he keeps in Brl- worked on the books. As a re at a time when some other

Suzy must be the richest, giri at St Trinian's. A few years and cosmetics in 16 countries. A £350,000. The second year we army, Collin is recently back sult of this experience he is perfumers could not get any

atechol et

ago. Dougins Collins founded few weeks ago Collins sold it to cut that loss by half. Now we from a fortnight's cruise with bilingual in accountancy. Reckitt's.

are acing a right.”

a painful leg after ́ à fall. ́.

Collins and his wife hava private company which held all The price? "We agreed not to The studios at Shepperton are On board he generally does

Ave children; two of them beyà, the shares in his various/enters." Buty, the eldest girl, fod prises. A little more then bait disclose It," he says. I put the busy; they are largely used by the cooking "I am an over-the- figure at about a million, It was American companies. Beth fire man," he explains, "Haye

debutane this year "Dance The stares he transferred to a a. cash-down deal,

Lion also produces pictures; the no use for the oveh Maybe When he came home to Eng-

So Instead of going down to children. It was this company for Recidu's at the same Launder and Gillat duo are things works, shen in stockbroker's the farm, I have been spending that was sold last April

But Collins still rune Goya Boating Brothers, and the that's because I do only simple, and be world in print very sight says her father. Irift for the benefit of his

Cary He has no lefest in once, collem stated velous many nights in the mews baby- Reckli's for a indifondr salary am I had before" be at concerned in this activity.

Dark clouds

“I haven't had a ripe dow:18 4 flow sade line regard the them. The Contest Tendon se business; all wetitmudaratul exting. We can't let her sleep Text"

In the middle of a 'hot rod zãoś

́geta' nothing' at

*" zone," he

"Bad

tres lone more than the son of parents

So Sway and all her bobthere

und Louichd Gora in 1987, here alone

DA PROG TIẾỆC KÊ openskidės, vt

In the autumn, Susy, 17, will haere her zooming-out-parky:

each set sadist