1960-07-05 — Page 6

THE CHINA MAIL, TUESDAY, JULY 6, 1960.

Hackett & Ullyett

THAT INCOMPARABLE

PAIR OF AMBASSADORS ABROAD

strike

a blow for Britain!

DESMOND HACKETT of the brown bowler and cartoonist ROY ULLYETT of the exuberant moustaches—were in America for the world heavyweight championship fight. After observing the boxers do battle, they went along to the British Exhibition in, New York. And now Hackett and Ullyett, who themselves wave the flag without making an exhibition of themselves, report on their personal · contributions to this boost for British prestige....

"THE SOUP "TURBEN

From Buckingham PALACE

by Mad Chart

Cencenally been try

Tax Manav Been ExLAREN B

"Ain't that the cutest thing Milton? But it sure must foul up their

dish washing machine

New York.

I was a mistake to

take our amiable artist Roy Ullyett to the British Exhibition.

Ullyett is distinctly not designed for these cata- logue crawls.

I mean, we had hardly been in the place five minutes before he had a crowd around Exhibit A, a life-sized coloured pic- ture of a Guards band marching past a Picca- dilly Circus that wasn't built that way when I left London a month ago. And then Ullyett detached himself from his Sherlock Holmes pipe and loudly in- quired:-

THE MAIN

FEATURE OTHE SCOTTISH DISTILLERY EXHIBIT

IS A WHISKY STILL

1 "Hey Momma

Come hete duck, pue found something

the kids

can buy, me for FATHERS 'DAY'

THE UNDERMAUTERE BOW IN THEL LLOYDS OF |_ LONDON: DISPLAY HAS THE UMBRELLAS OHN DOE AND

"Bud, you'd think a joint like Lloyd's could INSURE em against loss.

that looked like a horrible mistake in wallpaper design, were being a shade patronizing

OVLT

Our

small motor-cars, Uliyett, at full height and moustache here they say moose-tash-at full bristle, declaimed: "It is the intention of the British to make sure that in future there will be, two and a hall cars in every American garage."

That was my boy Roy. He

achieved the miracle of silenc- ing a babble of Americans.

A prompter

my bottle of beer was never more than eighteenpence

The thought of paying almost 15 shillings for one beer and one

AMERICAN LEAYING EXHIBITION FEELING AS CERTAIN

AS ALL THE OTHER PUB CUSTOMERS THAT HE DRANK OUT

OF THE SAME GLASS

AS KRH

THE DOOK.

It was not Ullyett all the way. Scotch was on affront to our

Hackett had his moment. In the replica of Lloyd's coffee

national pride. And it hurt our

house I was the only citizen pockets even more painfully.

We made a sharp about turn, around in the dark discreet suit. The

cigar-chewing barman so they gured I might be Mr

hollered: "Say, but we don't Lloyd and a pretty young mis often get guys in here with such drawled: "Say, what is all this

a_moose-lash,” about?" Without hesitation I recited chapter and verses of

This barman was made to

to find the mythical erring Bri- the foundation of Lloyd's of measure for Ullyett, who loftily tish Guardaman.

When he saw the Americans

queueing up to buy five-shilling pieces for one dollar I felt his day was made. I thought he had reached a moment of deep content. But not our man from Fleet Street,

He reckoned we could move into the Waldorf-Astoria sulte by hawking sixpences at halt a dollar.

"Hackett,

can you detect the bandsman who is out of step?" And for an eternity of five minutes Ullyett had the Ameri- cans pleading: "Mister, just you tell me which of those men are out of alignment.”

And when we reached the But Ullyett lounged away, gleaming motor show, where the leaving a baffled audience trying male Americans, wearing shirts

London.

For once Ullyett was im- pressed. He asked: "How on earth did you know that?" Straple. I replied it was writ- ten up on the wall behind the lassie.

With the unerring stalk of bloodhounds, we came up rapid- ly to the Red Lion Bar, which, it is impressed, was the typical good pull-up for thirsty Britons.

replied; "And I should jolly well think not with the prices you charge.”

"

The magnificently built bar-

maig

VLLYETT DRINKING ENGLISH BEER

AT 60 CENTS (4/6) A BOTTLE THINKS AT THAT PRICE FT WOULD BE CHEAPER FOR A MAN WITH A THIRST " FLY OVER TO ENGLAND

AND QUENCH IT THERE

Lightship men

warn We're

in danger'

LIGHTSHIP

crews round

d the shores of Britain are complaining that ships are endangering their lives by passing too close. A warning to mariners to keep well clear of Light Venels has now been issued from Trinity House, London.

"Masters of vessels sometimes misjudge the state of the tide," said a Trinity House spokesman-

England, figured she would be today. lucky to see her old home town

It is an extremely unpleasant again. Poor dear, she seems experience for the men in the lost. She cannot pull a pint comparatively small lightships over here because the union

to find a big vessel heading to- says "no" and she frels lost

wards them, especially at night," without the old piano.

Americans

But these literal reckon that would mean cabaret

taxes.

But we perked up. Look out for a neon sign down London reading "Hacket and

way

THAT OHLSO VERY OLDE ENGLISH PUB.

"Wat'll you

have Mac

Комитет

I was relieved to get this Ullyett, exporters of shove- Ullyett moustache safely outside ha'penny boards." A Mr Charl this pub. One citizen eyed it magne Tower

is anxious to thoughtfully. You could see acquire 50,000. Well, that's not him thinking: "Say, that would a bad order for a start. wow them up in Arkansas,""

We trailed out of

And if these Americans get their eyes on a souvenir, off it goes. In the first day they made off with all the pewter

But never in my Fleet Street tankards. taverns have I had requested: Last seen, they were making "Okay, Mac, give it a name," off with the last of the plates and to my certain knowledge from over the bar.

this jolly

good show by the British after two hours and several whiskies brewed by benevolent Scottish

distillers.

And they were stil looking for the out-of-step Guardsman.

London Express Service).

All the lightship men can do is to fire warning rockets,

The danger is greater when a relief lightship with a less powerful #ght than the regular one takes over.

That is the present situation with the North Goodwin Light:

Mariners are warned. not to overestimate the distance they are away from the rellet vessel when they get less powerful light and fog signals.

-London Express Servica).

TALKING

POINTS

Greal men stand like solitary towers in the city of God.

-LONGFELLOW.

*

Paris is nothing but an immense. hospitality,

-VICTOR HUGO.

*

The art of being wise to the art of knowing what to overlook.

-WILLIAM JAMES, -(London Express Service).

LOGAN The things people say...

GOURLAY

REPORTING TODAY ON MIAMI, WHERE...

Not even the mosquitoes

⚫ Igan Caulfield, who de- Dick Haymes, ex-husband] Louella, Parsons, serted Hollywood films for TV of Rita

Holly-

Hayworth, sald to wood columnist, had this ing. and who is now awaiting | me:~~

get syndleated throughout the divorce from her producer hus- *I have a 108 of regrets about| U.8. recently: "Talked with band, tells me: "I want to arow what I've done in the past. Lydia and Charlton Heston and up and learn how to make de- They don't include marring they cisions of my own."

Rifa Bayworth. Miss Caulfeld is 35,

I was delighted to find this item on the menu of one of the pseudo-French hotels: mageburger."

I told the waitress I would prefer a plain "jambonburger."

She said: "Never heard of it. You'll have to settle hamburger."

a

dare put the bite on this man! :

THEY

CY took the swamp land; they pushed it through cement mixers; and they have called it Miami. I think I would have preferred it if they had left it as it was-undrained, unhygienic, and unadorned.

But Miami Beach is there to stay, perched uneasily towards the tip of the isthmus of Florida like a blister on the tongue which America sticks out towards the Caribbean.

he should be. It couldn't have

been easy to survive and succeed in the Miami morass of get-rich quick operators.

"I'm not planning," he said,

"to buy any more hotels-the

and

INJUNS DON'T

LIKE IKE

“And unmarrying her.".

slogan is “Bosrow from and pay all your dobką.

Fines excluded.

I

ONCE MORE,

WITH FEELING

кере very interesting about Ausiaglia"""And? That'a 11, In tola. In its entirety.

us morticians, or Elks descend on

"the place for a few days.

MAY have said li before and I make no apologies for say- Ing it again.

But almost every American I

They are supposed to attend business discussions and Jee fures, but they devote much of their time to "living it up" noisily and alcoholically.

. They also wear funny, huts

At the moment Its a Conven- tion for TV salesmen. They are wearing Confederate. Army hats, and badges with their names and details of the convention. The badges are nécessary. Some of them obviously forget who they are, where they are, and why they came.

+

competition's too tough in that

Bermuda shorts, worn with business. But I certainly want THE Red Indians of the high woollen socks revealing to extend my chain of radio seminule tribe, who are only ugly knees, are the least stations. They can be

garment very settled in South Florida, have flattering

ever de- profitable. I've been negotiating been causing a minor political signed for the human frame. A squad of mosquitoes swoop for one in New York and I may upset. ed in. They feasted on my blood have it any day now. but they ignored Mr Rand's.

It started. Over In East have seen in vacation spots like I MET George Feldman, à "I'm now a naturalised Germany, where the Com- Jamales and here has worn rich attorney who is now It must be the greatest

"I came back first to New. Contentedly he surveyed his American citizen what- munists alleged that America them. concentration of hotels in all the}

Obese and emaciated an influential member of world. Miles and miles of them wearing the uniform of hand- York with only 42 dollars in my domain on Hibiscus Island, where ever happens I'll be staying over mistreated its Red Indians, Americans. Knock-kneed and

made beach shirt and nine-inch pocket. I'd been trained as an the palms flourish but no hotels here-particularly in Florida. especially the Seminoles, bow-legged Americans, All the American Congressioni« jostling each other on narrOW strips of reclaimed land. A fatal cigar..

electronic engineer and I as yet. The placid swimming pool, I like this kind of climate,

looking like refugees from a al committee on nuclear A West German TV station Wolf Cub pack. of 379 with 31,000 rooms.

the radio the ranch-type house with plate Tropical heat. started work in

research, delighted in this business.

glass

sent out a walls, the 98ft, yacht, dazzlingly white and toweringly environment to meet a cigarless

team to make # moored at the foot of the gar-

Some "The mosquitoes never bother documentary flm showing that

the of modernistic.

British millionaire. "At least he's' "Now I own A few radio den.

me. I don't know why but the Communists were wrong. things to dinner in the evening. Brilish in origif, upbringing stations and a television station

they just fly off to another

They may even wear them to But the and part conditioning.

"I'm mad about

Seminole Indians bed. For all I know-and care. in Florida."

yachts. I victim." have another somewhere in

refused to co-operate. Big Chief. Miami

Tiger and one, in Jamaica,

foolishly Buffalo

said: "The.

Millionaires

AM

I was

I thought at first I was in a huge cemetery full of magnifled. recoco tombs, gargantuan whited sepulchres.

But the place is alive. It's

with humans, crammed

It's a-buzz with mosquitoes and millionaires.

The hotel-owners call it America's "most desirable vaca

stay

His name is Rex Rand and his bas RO old-fashioned adventurous ring to it. Not too hollow a ring, either.

Contented

•

It would be.

旮

This is the biggest. It's crossed optimistic mosquito that tried United States has broken its

on M Rex treaties with us. We the Atlantic several times. I'm to put the bite

Rand. having it completely overhauled and re-equipped with all the

He swore that he didn't want Mr Rand, who is decidedly gadgets. I'm afraid to think

the

to talk about himself, as most good-looking, prosperously bull, alf-made men do, But he did, and still three years short of 40, as most self-made men also do, is somewhat vague about

remarkable transition from engineer to station owner (total Ave),

The credit

"There's nothing miraculous

what it will all cost.

Competition.

"But as someone once said,

FAILURE AT

£8 A DAY

promised land to live on and we

women wear, the

are

VISITING

FIREMEN

do not get it. We get the run- around for years. We

recognise the United States not

As yet Eisenhower, known to This is convention time the Inns as Big Chief Miami. It means that thousands Running Golf Ball, has not of attorneys, or salesme Intervened. It might be better

Eles to be Continental

hotel in Miami, it he doesn't

tries

about it. I just decided what I If you have to Inquire about and every hotel folls. Except I WAS asked to appear on

tion land." It is certainty the Relaxing .on the orange wanted and worked hard to get the cost you can't afford a in nume. most expensive, and it mag-cushions of a beach sofa in his H. That's all!!! helises the millionaires anxious zerden he sald

to show they can afford about

£420 a week for a suite: the "The R.A.F. must take some of Spurious millionaires with half the credit or blame. They sent

a million who pretend ostenta me here during, the war

yacht."

{ther-Beauville," the

TV in Miami to talks about

ence in Cuba ables, The 1,000-room when I was deported and

He added, as most self-made Mr Rand needn't inquire, In Monte Carlo the Eden Roc, and my men do: "There's no substitute exdition to his radio and TV for hard

stations he owns at hotel, the

** Biscayne, Terrace in-Migrai,

tipusis for a fortnight that they training. I liked the place, and He sounded a shade apologetic the estate, plus hotel: have the other half, and the decided to come becir after the shout the platitude but gene solid dollar variety war.

also which plőged to.

I stared at the fined 400 dollars and?) ara» (or över £8) co

Angle room.

"reduced

He told me: "We have

a good chance of getting man to the moon first.” He seemed fairly

dent, If they succeed, I hope they don't mi look like Miami.

But, of course,

it already does.

POLICEMAN, na, patrol narly the Bath heard rat-a-tat: comilar fa Chesstatt csk of bad for the

Kupress Service)