1956-12-15 — Page 11

THE CHINA MAIL, SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1958.

CHRISTMAS STORY FOR EVERYONE,

THE

GHOSTLY VOICE BAGSWOOD HALL

OF

NY devotee of Charles Dickens could have told Sir Humphrey that he

was positively asking

John McKenna

By John

Then get him down here right Prime Minister," away!" cracked Sir Humphrey, strop.

"But, sir.

for trouble by bedding down on Christmas Eve in the monumental four-poster of wish to his cavernous and gloomy secretary? bedchamber. The whole 81-up fairly invited haunting.

ht

Dicken

1***

Tic such Bokswoord

ravin my

I shall arrange with the Air Ministry to have Doctor Dingle- picked up by helicopter stup

ties the tour, sir.'

Hall. m the county of Grung

44010 And even har l shire, Just then. there bwell, Sir Humphrey

There you

are, Dingle-

the

not you

ectoplasm and tell me that you've never heard of the Pig Marketing (Prosecutions) Report and the Turkey (Limitation of Importa- tion and Production) Order?" saki Dingle- tor-ot all people. And just at a

"Eb?” said the ghost. time when SIGPASAP WAS

Dingleatrop went on, "You "You see," he went on, "the considering approaching the know perfectly well that no allowed to interfere in "Look here, I premme you distinguishing characteristic of Government for an increase of ghost

personal Christmas ghosts and Dickens subridy,” he nukled to himmelt. politient issues."

to," said "But I didn't mean nade the point most tellingly in his Christmas Carol' — is that

the ghost. "I just picked the they do not haunt simply for the

words at random."

"Well, whether or sake of haunting. Their object is to warn the if you will forgive THE ghost said, "Did I really realised their significance, you've

scare him?" To

It sounded upset the Prime Minister and the expression-haunter. give him a inst chance to make pleased. Then noticing Dingle whole Cabinet Dinglestrop said.

"But hot the farmers strop's deepening frown it hur- camerde,"

who ried on "At this Dinglestrop went on, almost as "stro, at Sir Humphrey, if

Doctor, there's always rather wore going to lose their homes,

raiberaald the ghost winningly. "Nor 10

himself, "The

mix-up with us ghosts. We've all the people who will get turkey Bruthersk white, the "A voler, a fond of gibberish Association in this case is quite, m

speclecies rauer got to take what we get even if it is a bit late -- for imaginative me it play and birds and damna quile Prime Missi

would have tr cott on absolutely empty lted across at Sir Humphrey. In the way of haunting asin Christmas."

who

had

Naturally, all the old stopped

ments, packg. snorted that ghosts were strictly for the pages of Dickens,

"And," he added ominously. "Obviously, this spirit is warning stately homes and castles and you of the eventual and did monted granges are snapped up It was oot imagination.” Da the other side of the fre- consequences if you persist in the by the old hands at the gama. Newcomers like myself get the plze in the mi lounge of prosecution of these pig fnameis. Bagwood Ball, Doctor Orwald But I confess I cannot account late Victorian stuff like Bags- Dengenzon swabiegi the brandy for its reference to a bird. Does wood Hall."

it convey anything to you, Prime Minister

Humphrey barkerf, "Damn twil, man. I'm a politician, not Be abinsted armilhofuglst stopped, “Just a minute...no no, duri Please.

Prime Minister," Dinglestrop begged. "If the word stly any association, no matter How tenuous, in your mind, you must tell me."

Jest

But the kiten

a valid aut Sir Hun- when from out of the gloomy a disembodied Vojer akk· Pag

have been 1, then

phrey cen tat-tv wa

Sla

There wa, 2

ugh bgb

ភ

31 4 Jur

Humphrey

whethe

the volen

Skver

txosved

But it

cerity paul-

ed that way.

N-35.

Sir Humphrys 'n must loyal and

I gues

1.

Lo

thas 10- partee WAS not his strong point; nel on this ve casion the most telling regustader he could k of was, "Ugh?"

the voire - ingly.

"Ifere

Sir

Humphrey,

getting into he

striale. A

Ju

fumbled for the ewich of

bexiable bump 1. Nobel an what he hurlum el. The voice

was indeed de aanbodied

19 MA

"

and soga in hus glass and said

cles","

Silex unchery,

the

Dingletop Interrupted flow of explanation, "But how did you come to pick on this 'ple. bird. damnation' business?"

The ghost explained, "Pure chance, Doctor. You

sec, all the best haunting giminicks are

Rolling

skull palented.

your down the portrait gallery, chain- rattling, corpse-dragging sound- effects--they're all very jealously guarded by their patentecs. So I thought up this disjointed words technique. Absolutely meaning- less. I thought the very lack of

meaning would make it all the more eerie."

HERE was a pause while the ghost looked pleadingly at Dinglestrop. and

latter the stroked his chin reflectively

"Look here." said Dinglestrop, to believe you "I'm prepared didn't appreciate what you were doing, and I'm also prepared to forget the whole ineldent so far as SICPASAP is concerned. On one condition..

"Yes?" the ghost said eagerly.

Com "It's this," Dinglestrop

to tinued. "That you arrange haunt Bagswood Hall again in the near future...

"Oh yes," the ghost agreed.

and," Dinglestrop

went

oily, "that you alter your Unes slightly. I would suggest...

subsidy, "Do you 'Dinglestrop,

damna- there in your thon...."

Dinglestrop morted. to stand

and when he spoke the gritty edge had gone from his voice. "You may recnu that about six mean

months ago there WEB some and opposition ill-informed

nisguided, mark you-to my Government's order banning the

importation

of turkeys for Christmas and strictly limiting Cheir production ot hume.

#that's it," Dmgle-

strop interrupted cogerly. "It all fits now."

Hun-

"Look here," said Sir phrey, "are you trying to tell me

that this spirit fellow seriously wants me 10 repeal those very necessary orders?"

mukily, "My dear Prime Minister, I don't for a moment believe it He reached the the bell-pule, was a ruse of imagination. With-

"It Suppose, of course, comunitung myself Then stopped hiinedit. he did Bunuron a ferviait, what professionally,

I should say it could he tell him? That morrie- was a straightforward ease of un thing or someka had it "Pig articulate sph it.”

a

2ılar..

thut

had probably..

h phangha probably

had

"Imagination," Su Humphrey

anorted.

The sound of was comios tiras pipes," he added

his awes vops

"Or the war. Minus) (for Hug Wete Rivett 1) nocturnil rumbing).

Ite glanced in the empty room. He suite at the high, He senk lick hilo the pillow..

T

TUIE next 19ment by won bolt

upridit. The fame. pri kangt on the back of tus deck,

"Pig," the vince we regating, Then in anguimariah cinladation, "Pig, biru, oOkumakam,“

Well, what are you going to

demanded Sir de afut Humphrey.

80, Prime

would appear Minister, There's no other reasonable explanation,"

"But, my good man, I can't be

world or lieva that the spirit about poitical issues." whatever you call it is bothered "Perhaps, Prime Minister," said " Prime Mauler? If you Dinglestrop, "they don't regar mean can I exorcise this spirit, these as strictly political Issues.

Iather human or moral ones." I'm afraid...."

Sir Humphrey was silent. Hu "Lead here, man," exploded chewed abstractedly at the end of Su Humphrey, "I'm not going this now cold cigar. At last he Have my night's rest, and In- cantially my Christmas holiday, spoke. "Pig, bird, damnation... suined by a ruddy gabbing ghost last chance you said, Dingle- trust it, mast, the Government strop?"

subsidies you up to the but“

Damestop interjected meckl

"Eh, what? Oh, Ice. Yes,

Prime Minister, Christmas ghosts very small subsidy, Prime are traditionally last chance warnings. Remember Serduge Minter, Hardly enough,ce of and Marley's ghost in Dickens."

"It's an outrageous feather-bedding extravagance." benowed St Humphrey. I want action. And i want 11 NOW!"

"Very well, Prime Minister,"

There was no doubt about it sighed Dinglestrop. uns ume. He scattered a crale, an ormolu eigurelle box and D any of the Pig Marketing (17usecutiu) Report Be hul been d.pping into, is be grebet

for the light switch

Thal he WWN frighteningly alube when the light slapped un was all the more verte. You don't rise from newspaper-boy to the nation's number one Beer Barn to Prime Minister without learn- ing how to handle kotruders.

But there, at least, has to be on intruder to handle.

At the the time, you do. get to be Prime Minister with Our learning to face facts. And, sitting on the edge of his bed, Sir Humphrey reluctantly ac- knowledged to himself that,

Sumphrey paced Impatient-

Silence again. Bir Humphrey chewed his cigar some more, it Was Dinglestrop who broke the Bilence.

"With your permission, Prime Minister, I should like to take n look at the rest of the house."

"Eh? Oh, by ali means,

Dinglestrop."

Sir Humphrey resumed his

ly up and down his bed- masing as Dinglestrup left the chamber, pußng exasperatedly at room,

Outside the bedroom a cigar.

door Dingletrop had been poking Dinglestrop paused. He heard a

song about the place for telephone being lifted. nearly bulf an hour, during which Ume he had said nothlog, Acknowledging Sir Humphrey's

Na bedside table in for off

questions with a polite smile. ON

Now he was shutting cround London a very private tele- the debris of the bedside table. phone jangled. For the second He straightened up, and in his time that night a sleepy voice hand was a sudden copy of the (wasn't the silly old buffer Fig Marketing (Prosecutions) going to lot him have Report.

alcep?") said, "Sir?"

Girly

for "Er...um...Prime Minister, Sir Humphrey's voice crackled,

the first time in his lie, he was were you reading this before you "I want this confidential memo circulated to all Cabinet Minia- wont

to sleep?" he asked. the super- face to face with

"Yes, I was. But what in the lers. On the day following the natural,

Well, there were ways to deal name of all that's wonderful has Christmas Recess we will meet with the supernatural, just like that got to do with this con- to discuss the Pig Marketing Act a view to amendments and anything else. Hedn't be been founded ghost?" compelled against his beiter Dinglestrop ignored the ques- possible repeal, and the Turkeys judgment to agree to an out- tlon, "What is it about, Prime (Limitation of Importation and Production) Order with the same rageous subsidy for SIGPASAP Minister?" (thus had the nailon's headline- Sir Humphrey sighed the ends in view."

At the London and, a gold writers made manageable The sigh of one near the end of his Society for the Investigation of tether. With heavy emphasis he pencil silthered across a notebook Ghosts, Poltergeists, Articulate said "I cannot, Doctor, see what at Sir Humphrey crackled on, ring the Spirits and Allied Phenomenon). this has to do with the case in "And I want you to

"Well, they can ruddy well point. But it you must know, it Home Secretary now, yes right to suspena report which, is to be now, and tell him case of half a dozen damfool until I speak to him personally. farmers who are going to be Is that dear?" dispossessed of their farms be- Yes, sir. Immediately, sir."

The telephone clicked into cause they refused to comply

now,"

sired soon concerning the action on these pig farmer chaps

earn their money Humphrey decided. He reached for the very private telephone which had survived the debacle of the bedside table.

ร

with the very fair-minded re- alle said the now far-from- quirements of the Pig Market-

sleepy voice. "He's been at the

ON another bedside table in ing Act."

far-off London a very pil- "It was a very unpopular Act, bottle and no mistake. Some volna shid, Bird, A sleepy way it not?" asked Dinglestrop people just can't take spirits.

"It was nothing of the sort, Sir Humphrey

vate telephone

Without proliminaries the voice thundered.

of Bir Humphrey cracked, "You've been taken in by all thi

אז

"Who's the boss of SIGPASAP?" drivel the Opposition have been TN a dusty, attic, under the spreading around. It is meant to raftéra of Hóprivocid: Hall, "SIGPASAP, you niany. S for put in their place a lot of cocky Dinglestron was spenakis bernly stupid, I for ioane, G for gross as who think they know to the ghost he had conjured up

more about play, riigieeting than (d thorlioval negligence P for for the the Governor. And when done the trick)

Inonfation had

"Ah. the Society, for Investigation of Ghoele, Polter few more of them have been

Irregula thimi i gelste...

thrown off their farms toys far as I car thake only you have "I know what it stands for, come into this so to do with no legitimate asociation with

'!'But, what's fnthood...what I want to know

this house, You simply turn up is, who's the head of Hearts of this ghost?" he concluded,

"Agrost deal, the theory out of nowhere more the femina, iri may mind im öterval, dayligins but on the Prime Minis="

Doctor Oswald Dinglestrop of Rubtso. Collage, Oxford, sir?

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