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THE CHINA MAIL, WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 1955.
THANIEL GUBBINS
ANY theorles have said Mr Krushchov, nervously drinks hoping they would foll
been offered to ex plain the behaviour of those ex-jolly uncles Bul. ganin and Krushchev on their tour of India.
Before they left they were at their jolliest. Ex dogs, cannibals and hyenas of the Western world were with lavishly entertained the usual vodka, caviare and corny jokes. Beaming amiles 1234 warm band. shakes were given and re- turned.
British ant Russian aquadrons
Although
[1
exchanged Vinila
puzzled Buitisti
there
sailor, making a friendly puss at Russian girl, was coldly m formed that "The Times very frivolous newspaper, were no hard feelings.
Probably the sailor had never expected read The Times and foreigners to
abi barmy anyway.
be
Even when the Russian naval authorities tried to wick the British squadron by ordering it backwards down
crowded fiver in the middle of the night no complaints were expresed publicly though we shall never know what was and privately on the voyage home.
Just utra T this Stirre Mr Macmillan said. There a.n't Rolig to be any
WHI," act everybody but a few doubters
like myself relaxed
Now we are all dogs. hyenas, and cannibals again The hist war wo started by us, prub- ably at the instigation of that arch-canalbal and hyena. Neville Chanberiple.
Trying to explain
this Nonsense, experis on foreign affairs have made many Aug- gestions, the most popular be ing that a new purge is about to begin among the loving rades in the Kremlin
Com-
My own explanation is much simpler and probably the right It is based on report from Pona, the Indian Sand- hurat,
vie.
The report said. "We are glad to be given an opportunity of visiting auch wonderful military
a
fingering a glass of orange juice In readiness to honour the toast." No vodka. Only orange juice. No cocktall parties thrown in a largely teetotal country. Only garlands and flower petals,
As I have always believed the comraden arc only umiable when they are full of vodka, it that they is quite clear to me were hopping inad because they were thirsty
A remark by
Indian oficer present didn't help much. le sald: "Jolly good show, al."
s orange juice.
Krushchev swallowed the
I was after this cynical typically British observation that Mr K. said so many nasty ings about us
PS. Since writing the above I have seen
the #picture of angry uncles unhappily drinking coconut milk
Watch out for more frulle, outs, hyenas, and cannibals.
The parting guest
to the floor unconscious and be carried away in an ambulance. But my guesta were tough. They just went on drinking and talking.
1 have allowed them to chai- ter away about themselves for hours on end praying they would die of xhaustion, but they only found fresh energy in this ca- couragement.
1 have tried the experiment of boring them with unfunny dull atories and tales of my past, but they have only come back at me with unfunnier stories and tales of duller pasts.
As I have tried everything but putting them there seem to be only two ways of avoiding this Christmas misery.
in-
I must either refuse all vitations to parties No that Won't [KM] obliged to return them or have a tank built under house und buy some the crocodiles,
Why elephants cry
AT a rough estimate 1 suppose
about 100,000 words have ANOTHER bit of crumal news been written about Christmas parties.
They all tell you how to give a party, what to give the guests to vul and drink, and thew le keep them happy with infantile
RELATION.
So far not a single wand theti been written on how to get Ti of them.
As a reluctant party giver 1 have tried every method except the old-fashioned one of press- ing a button and dropping the lol inta an underground lake Juli of Procodiles My Auslo have escaped this fate only be
Phase 1 have no underground
like and no exiles
I have filled their sandwiches with mustard and red pepper tanathk they would chinke to death" They survived and asitett for more.
Sometime desperate with boredom, 3 bave even thought their putting poison drinks. But the happy, carefree days of the Borgias are over. whal with polee inquiries and signing polaon registers at the chemist's
was cheap
When whisky Institution,' have
them given
I
KDOTIKOLIN
vi
world
are
is that elephants have been known to cry.
This corners as no surprise fo me, because elephants must feel rather out of place in a full of smaller creatures
1-
probable that they also conNOJOLLA theke Trunks. *To have a trunk instead of n ITCANC would make anybody pretty miserable, und an ele-
brant riching
sight of its reflected profile in a lake might be excused for having
good ery now and then,
A third reason for their un- well- happiness may be their known inability to forget.
Those of us who have sinned tand who has not?) are able to buy forgetfulness in galety and forced cheerfulness.
The elephast has none of these advantages. He cannot go into a bar and buy himaci a drink without causing fear and con- ternation amony hardened. Ap-
ral
2118 11 at live alone with Litter memories, and through
plerk,
his tears ask pardon of the wife and child he has deserted.
Being an elephant, she is not likely to forget, either.
(WORLD COPYRIGHT.)
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YESTERDAY
TODAY
WELCOME
TO OUR GUEST!!!
"Say! Time British Imperialism got to hell out of here!"
"Oh, oh, for the days of the dear old British Empire !”
London Exprcas Bervice
A date with one of Hollywood's most glamorous
Brando among
the mummies
I
London one of the most photogenic
AM still recovering faces in the business; she was
of
psychology
We
then took a look at the
also a newspaper columnist, from my dute with
designer of ladies' lingerie, an Arlene Dahl. You are amateur philosopher, and assuming
this student from
and I said she looked re- statement that we painted religions.
markably well on It. the town red? You arc IN thinking this column meeting too many beautiful reliefs showing the lion hunts Miss Dahl women, becoming unduly of Ashur-bani-pal.
sald that Asshur-bani-pol reminded her of her first hus- band, Lex Barker, foriner Well, you can stop jump. Tarzan of the screen. ing to conclusions and kind- ly wipe that leer off your face.
hedonistic ?
I had arranged to pick up the duzzling Ming Dahi at her hotel, The plan was that i would show her the town.
I asked her if there was only. where she particularly wanted to
"I should never have married
lith," she confided, "ile wasn the intellectual type, I take an interest រ metaphysics, He ་ bit Interested in wasn'
metaphys.es. I doub! Lf 110
knew what the word meant.
"Yes, people made jokes
about me being Tarzan's mate, and asked if we ate our dinner the tree-lops. But that
g, giving the impression that I in
war on authority on all the wasn't the reason I got divorced talucts a glamorous Alm stor from him."
might conceivably want to visit.
"Yes," she suid sweetly, "the British Muscum."
I treated it as a joke. She did not,
I tried to fob her off with Les Ambassadeurs, the Caprice, the Pruspect of Whitby...But Miss Dahl was adament. She could think of nothing more heavenly
by THOMAS WISEMAN
Higher scale
Her present husband, Fernan- do Lamas, is higher up in the intellectual scale. He is a poet as well as an actor, and under- stands what metaphysics meons.
"We keep pads of paper handy," she said, "so that when any ideas about philosophy or religion come to us, we can just jot them down."
I inquired whether any ideas that she wanted to jot down urgently had come to her at the British Museum. She said they would keep.
She said: "Elizabeth Taylor,
Ava Gardner, Kim Novak, Gina
"Goodness, it looka Just like Marlon 1′′
"Intelligence is so important Lollobrigida, Vivien Leigh in Are you a banana, a drag, an odd - ball? in a man," said Miss Dahl. "A handsome face helps, but what
I go for are qualities of the
mind.'
I said I knew E wonderful do with a face-lift after all these restaurant in Soho. We went to the British Museum,
all about
her heyday...
"What about Marilyn Mon- roe?" I asked.
"She has a beautiful skin," Miss Dahl admired the head of sald Miss Dahl.
"And Rhonda Fleming?" I Antonia, mother of the Emperor than to have me show her the Claudius, "noted for beauty and inquired. Assyrian antiquities.
Rhonda?" reflected Miss goodness," but decided she could Dahl "I suppose some people
would consider her lovely." years.
I noted that all Miss Dalil's Miss Dahl knows such things.
were dark; about She writes a top beauties syndicated beauty column (three girls with similar colouring to times a week) in which she her own she was noticeably less passes on to her
readers the ecstatic. beauty secrets of the stars.
I wondered if it wasn't some- times hazardous for one beauty to interview another beauty on
A hasty close-up examination of Miss Dahl revealed that she had abfolutely nothing in com- mon with a hieroglyphic or an ancient Egyptian mummy.
Sho has red hair and blue eyes and the sort of figure that would have made Mausolus turn in his mausoleum.
In the museum I said devilishly: "What shall we do? The ethnographical gallery? Or shall we be mad and plump ' for the Graeco-Roman sculp- tures?"
Bintues
Lady type
the subject of how to be beauti- We examined an Egyptian ful. That sort of situation mummy. Miss Dahl thought she might produce a great deal of looked more alive than some catliness, I thought.
No secrets
actresses she could think of.
Miss Dahl herself has not been notably animated in some of her films. She explained this If you got categorised as the "Only" said Mits Dahl, "if lady type, they always put you in those bloodless costume someone tells me: 'But, my pictures. But things are looking We did the Romans. ""Good- dear, I have no beauty secrets, nees," cold Miss Dahl, scrutinis I don't do anything to be beauti- up now. In my last alm I played ing the
a girl who is a nymphomaniac, with their dul, except he myself”
and a klepio- chipped-off noses, "they all look Girls who say this, Miss Dahi a dipsomanine, like Marlon Brando."
has found, have usually had maniac which is not terribly #wood' } She posed against a lioness's their faces lifted a couple of lady-like oven by
standards." head mounted on a high plinth. times, their.. noses remoulded;
In her now Alm, "Portrét in "Can't
the resem- body massage twice a day, to Smoke," for which she is over blanco?" she said. "We've got eyelashes and busts, and a the same features."
dermatologist working on their here, she plays a ruthless beauty I said; looking at the plinth aking
* queen who uses five men to get Although I do not write a her to the top. S and then at her: "You've got a
nepald
£380 beauty column, I asked Briss For this she is being better" Amire."./
she said, "hors le a Dahi to tell me her own beauty a week expenses in addition to bit more cuble than mine, Isn't eat and a half hours sleep od with chauffeur-driven
secrets Here they are: Getting her salary. And is being provid ItY. Lots of lone in this place, every night, Being able to relax Rolls-Royce by her studio, Anyone would think it was hun, anytime! Not smoking or There are some
By drinking to exemte Rinsing her dor being considered fady-like, VERAL Wesconcluded our tour of and the exhibita, quite a few people spemed to regard Miss Dahl: ms. “Ek eet arourile. Abdi tha:
you soo
| inferosta?
have such highbauwe One)
have
specied
compensations
HEY, DADDY-0!
I
By DUNCAN LAMONT
AM standing ht a street-corner when suddenly this charácter in a Yankee uniform comes up and gives me the big hullo.
"Daddy-o," cries he. "Whither the passion pit to find me the kittens and chicks?”
Now he is a big hunk of U.S. sulerweighing all of 2001be. wearing only his hat and furthermore he has a healthy look, so I am not sharp-tongued.
"Salior," I my, "I do not understand.”...
"Daddy-ol” criew he again. "Are you a banana, a drag, an odd ball? Don't you dig this bop-falk? Then let me explain.
"Gab-jaxx and bon-talk is the language of all us clean- limbed American boys. It is part of the American Way of Life.
"In gab-jaze it is important to be hep. If you are hep You are a cat, in the know, and turning with the umes. If you are not hep, you are a stupid unlikable person, namely a square, a banana, a drag, or an odd balk. „Ör'worst of sil you are a cube, being a real smeartink, a squaro in 8-D; Are you with me so far??
oh with
you--hirk"
"Baltor,” I say, "Now daddyed is just a friendly greeting to any male. Girls, on the other hand, are called chicks, dishes, and kittens. When you kiss them you lamp lips or you prune.
“An ugly girl in a crocodoll and a deadhead. And the most important hep word of all is cool
"A nice guy is a cool cad, anything terride is cooler than cool, and anything" that's the mostest is so cook that you describe me frigid."**
J
"Man" my 1 L'exclledly, "I'm really digging this live rallio.
me out” o "Right,” myn
happyyhkyl
snappy
flat-top," "What is a cool: Yule and
"Merry Chrisimas and a happy New Year a "Oh: neat! What happens when you flee to the prib?” "Go home estis ma
"Man) this is groovy, real' günet: What happens when you, flip your lid over a Agure sight????|-
Fakeyou Inii în love with shapely chick."
Mieteiz, red, Listen, de, the benlist: Daddy-0, you1 área. 605 osk, w. resl- gone kop
Alearglowther, friend, and and a
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