1946-12-24 — Page 7

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THE CHINA MAIL TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1946.

Unnatural

History

Let's Study It!

How would you like to take a a country ramble with Professor N. Gubbins, the phoney scientist who knows less about natural his tory than a slum child?

You would? Of with these bed clothes, then, and get cracking. The sun is up, the dew is on the rosebud, the wasps are on the window pane, and the bluebottles are on everything.

.

out. You've got to fill a biz mouth with something

Apart from swill, pigs also eat coal, which is good for them and for the coal shortage. If probably accountà, to some extent the Minister of Fuel stopped pigs eat ing coal we would have a lot more fixes this winter, but a lot more pigs with the colic. It all depends We will visit a farm, river, whether you care if ples have the and the village duck pond, and colic or not. see what we can find. After that this farm, which reminds me of sco they have some gerac on We will

the low village Christmas and vikit

also that reese tavern and ace what we can find have no teeth. Nor has any other there.

bird, including the turkey, That'a why it gobbler, I suppose.

Well, here we are at the farm already. Quick work, wasn't it? And I can tell you something right away..

You see that cow by the fence chewing the end and looking as if she didn't give a damn if Meleťby said no, no, a thousand

times no? You may think she looks idle, but, boy, how she's working, if you

can call that

work.

It's been estimated that a cow makes 41,000 jaw movements in a day, which is a few thousands up on Gladstone who chewed every mouthful 40 times;

and probably better than the com- bined efforts of all members of Parliament at an allnight sit- ting.

Don't ask me who made the estimate probably a man with a netebook and pencil and nothing else to do.

Horses, by the way, don't chaw

❤

Farmyard freaks are produced by crossing a buffalo with a cow called a cattalo, and by crossing a sheep with a goat, either called a shoat gra geep, whichever you prefer.

If you have nothing better to do you can alsh cross a goose with a turkey and call it a loose or a

By NATHANIEL GUBBINS, London "Sunday Express“ Humorist

gurkey, or a turkey with a duck and call it a tuck, or a duck with a goose and call it a doose or a guck.

Later

are more. intelligent, than the "British public, who will eat any.

thing without complaint, and pay- through the nose for it, too.

■

no ducks. on it!

What a funny danc pünd, with

BY THE

WAY

By BEACHCOMBER

Pins

At a rough guess I would say C. Suet, Esq., who requires the absence of cucks is not due to a licence to manufacture pins, migration or any natural move have received a strange letter. ment of dark the from the Reconstruction De- people "round" hers are rather fond of ducks and prefer them on partment of the Ministry of

plate rather

Reconstruction, than on a pond. But T and plenty of old tin cans, which plication for herring soup plenty of green simo It informed him that his ap- normally found in village | tablets had been sent by mis- ponds. And I daresay there are take to the Herring Soap Ccn-

of plenty

mosquitoes. They trol Board, usually breed in stali waters, liv- ing, I suppose, on the green slime and the local inhabitanta,

You needn't worry about mosquito unless it's a female mon- quite. The malo is quite harm- less, humming about minding his

own business.

It's the female that stings you, a situation you will find almost throughout future.

no application for herring soup Suet replied that he had made

or herring soap, as the case might or might not be.

A specification for pin pro- aduction, showing the actual size and weight of the standard utility pin, was returned to him, as the pin was drawn in green instead of red ink, thus Infring- ing a by-law. Meanwhile, the second floor of Suet's factory You can tall the female by her has been requisitioned as soon long nose and bad tempor (sheas derequisitioned by the Nun- stings you with her nose), but lake Juvenile School of Gov- unless you have mlerascopic eyes ernment Rehabilitation of Sign- you would never notics the ditrex-

posts, chairman Dame, Eva ence, until too late..

Funerall.

Un, look, there's a natterjjack, or the yellow-backed rush toad. Or is it just an ordinary toad? -on, advanced students can cross a doose with a gurkey 1 so that I could tell you about its I only hoped it was a matterjack the cad. This may be because they or a toose with a tuck or a durkey (remarkably deep voice, a fact

dictionary just before

either don't like chewing it or be cause they don't want to be mis- taken for cows.

*

Look, here are some pigs. Did na know that pigs have 44 teeth? Nor did I till I read about it somewhere. And

know why, unless it's because they best that

have bigger mouths than Ameri- can film stars, who have enly 32, if none of them have been pulled

AMERICA CENSORS

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18

New York, Monday, American, radio networks have imposed a strict censorship on sexy songs.

This censorship is screening from the susceptible listeners words of many new popular tunea. Leading juke-box recordings have been found too "blue" for radio presentation, and have been banned from the air.

air.

Even the musle, without lyrles, of some songs is banned from the Radio consors have been clean- up the lyrics of a batch of new songs to conform to their new standards, What Comes Naturally, has been Berlin's latest hit, Doing Irving drastically revised.

Despite the censors' caution,

they sometimes unwittingly pass risque lyrics.

WILS

A Harlem live tune, The Viper's Song,

a popular radio hit until networks, dis- covered it was hepcats' double talk about reefers," or marijuana. cigarettes.

with a gurkey, and call them whatever they like.

found in

*

•

Out Basket

swered there arrived another Before this letter could be an-

from the Saucepan Controller. informning Suet. that he would require four licences to manu- facture pans, and that pans meant pols, ramikin dishes, CAS- colanders, griddles,

Here we are at the river, It's we came out. a nice clean river, so it's pro bably full of fish.

Funnily enough, fish don't like breast, I bet you didn't know that seroles,

And look, there's a robin rad- dirty water any more than you the red on its breast comes off-grills, baking tins, fish-kettles, do. But, whereas you need not i

I didn't know patty-tins,

W

to live in it. Rather like living I read it in one of Mr. Chapman steamers, nutmeg-grater, dan drink dirty water, fish would have enough, didit a handkerchier preserving pans, kettles, basins,

Fun

in a slum, only worse, because Pincher's natural history sermons tins, sandwich-tius, and beet- dirty water would kill fish in A as interpreted by Mr. Bernard short time. It takes years to kill Wicksteed.

root buckets. people in slums,

But it reminds me of the story Are fish intelligent?

of the elderly scientist who came Well, they

intelligent home with a handkerchief stained enough to avoid dirty water, and red. His wife didn't half go on they are intelligent enough La

the deep end when he told her he avoid me. I have never caught had been wiping a robin's breast fish except by accident.

anc

There was also an experiment with a gong. A man at an anglers hotel used to bang a geng at lunch time, and hundreds of fish would arrive to eat the titbits he threw to them.

Then the war

Camc, and the food at the hotel gut worse and worse. Fewer and

fewer fish turned up for lunch, till at last even the youngest and alliest fish gave the place a wide berth, though the man banged the gong for hours on end.

This at least proves that fish

*

*

Yes, I'll have a light ale, thank

you.

And, talking of light ales and lipstick, did you know it has been estimated that women ruin at least a million drinks a week?

When they drink from a glass they leave a smear of lipstisk on the edge. If this is not washed off with hot water and soda the chemical in the lipstick takes the fizz out of bottled beer and leaves it flat.

Which is one more argument in favour of clubs for men only

British Tommy The Best Behaved

London, Monday. Although the War Office has

diers, it maintains that the Bri- just paid £1,050,000 for mis- cellaneous wrongful acts" by sol- tish Tommy is the best, behaved soldier in the world.

A War Office official who has just

completed 425,000 miles tour

included which

Iceland, the Azores Cairo and Hongkong and soldiers fought, said the bill pro- most other places where British bably was an

all-time inter- national low..

With

exception, claims Tanged from 10s for a jug knock- 1ered off a householder's shelf dur ing artillery practice to £37,500 for a thriving pine forest trans- formed by flame throwers into a charred clearing.

It was immediately taken off the air,

Another popular Harlem se enade, That Chick's Too Young to Fry, was also removed when the censors belatedly discovered subtle indecencies in the lyrics.

ors are often fooled by the

ition given seemingly in

necent words by sexy singers.

Dorothy Lamour's version of Personality turned out to

be toa suggestive for the radio, although it was featured in, a film.

Mildred Bailey's suitzy singing of the somewhat staid Lover Come Back to Me was blacklisted by the censors.

The censors decided the words i were too strong in some tunes, but that the music would not hurt listeners' murals.

This compromise category in dudes: "Love For Sale, Man. Who Comes to Our House, and Week: end of a Private Secretary..

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The exception to these claims and the most amusing was for bs by a mother on behalf of her small son who tore his trouser's barbed wire in retrieving a paper he had seen blown from the War Office window.

Americans Drink Too Much

New York, Monday.

document and the War Office paid It was a valuable, confidential without demur.

Fowl Runs Robbed

In all £10,518,500 has been paid to people who have complained about the depredations of the British soldier between Novem- ber, 1940 and June, 1946.

This does not include claims whole villages and districts. They' arising out of the evacuation of

come under a separate and as yet unsettled category.

Amounts already paid came under four heads, but 'prac- tically all of them were for b

and damage in traffic jurics accidents and damage. te crops, hedges, and private roade dur ing manoeuvres.

Trafic accident claims reached the War Office at the rate of 17,- 000 a month during the waz,

Other claims arose from ` ce-

quisitioned premises, stripping of orchards and robbing of chicken roosts.

too much is a matter of opinion, Jellinek Bays.

All of the 3,000,000 who drink excessively "are exposed to physiological damage beyond! controversy."

Many of them are now being treated at hundreds of new At least 3,000,000 Americans clinics that are being opened "drink too much by any throughout the nation, but so standards," and 750,000 are far. only limited success has chronic drunkards,

been achieved in restoring them

This is the conclusion of Dr to normality. Elvin Jellinek, co-director of Mrs Leigh Colvin, national Yale University's laboratory of president of the Christian Tem applied physiology, peranca Union, said that the A total of 47,000,000 Ameri-increase in crime, juvenile caps resort to alcoholle bedelinquency, and social disenses Terages, but whether they drink. was largely due to alcohol.

MERRY XMAS & HAPPY NEW YEAR

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In

A writer who recently recom. mended people who laugh at the incongruous to analyse their emotions was wasting his time.

It is better to enjoy the fun, as when a first violin at a big concert fits a tiny arrow to his bow and shoots it at the con- ductor, or a rich Indian student presents a girl at a tobacco stall with a full-grown clephant. Both are comparatively rare oc currences, according to the Royal Statistical Society, which I was the first treasurer.

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