1940-06-28 — Page 16

SHORT STORY

THE CHINA MAIL, JUNE 27, 1940

MR. MAFFERTY TELLS A SEA STORY

"I'M wonderin'," said Mr. Mafferty, bridge an' peerin' this way an' that

"I'm wonderin' what's become of mé old friend Admiral Fallow, because It's twelve years to a day he was in- sulted on the high seas by a common fireman in a quare unnatural kind of a way, an' he an Admiral itself an' not able to. answer back.

"When I was fightin' for your quare country," continued Mr. Mafferty, "in the Shetland Islands an' them parts, I was Colonel of a small. kind of an armoured yacht that did be huntin' for submarines when we weren't chasin' the sailors out of the places of re- freshment.

"One night the Admiral comes aboard, an' he a retired officer of eighty, or maybe more, an' he says, 'Mafferty, let you be gettin' up steam, there's a submarine lurkin' in the neighbourin' waters,' an' he in a grand state of emotion. So I fired a gun the way the crew would be hearin's it in the nine places of refreshment ashore. And when I heard a gintleman under- takin' to cut out another gintleman's lights and liver on the quay I says to the Admiral, All aboard, Sir,' because I knew that would be Fireman Flood, an' he the last aboard always.

"So we steamed out into the black night, the Admiral an' meself on the

for the dirty submarine. An' present- ly I heard a voice come up from the stokehold, through the ventilator, you understand, which was just behind us, an' it singin' Nearer, my God, to Thee.' So I said to meself, 'An' what for would Fireman Flood be concilia- tin' the Admiral?'. because the Ad- miral was one of them hymn-singin' sailors, but I'd never heard anything' of that kind against the Fireman before.

"Do you hear that, Mafferty?' says the Admiral, as pleased as Punch. 'I do, Admiral,' says I, an' 'It's quare an' gratifyin',' says he,

poor

An' all I want you to do, Beatty, is to cut out his perishin' lights an' liver.— Oh, how's that, Jellicoc?---Well, Beatty, he's the kind of an unpronounceable interferin' fishwife that drags sailors out of the pubs an' sends them to sea on a dark night, an' that's the way of it, Beatty. So what I want you to do, Beatty; Is to go up to the Shet- lands, Beatty, an' cut out his perishin' lights an' liver, sce?—Oh, well, if you say so, Jellicoe. I'll do it at once.- Good mornin', Admiral Beatty. Good mornin', Admiral Jellicoe,

"Well, the Admiral comes across to me an' he says, 'Did you hear that, Mafferty?' an' 'Never a word,' says I; and there's may be five minutes' quiet.

'Good

By A. P. HERBERT

Yes I thought you'd be pleased, Jel- licoe-So you went up to the Shet- land Islands\an' cut out his perishin' lights an' liver, did you? Yes, Jel- licoe, that's what I did. I went up to the Shetland Islands an' I found the old rumble-tummy, an' I said, "Good mornin', Admiral Fallow." "Good mor- in', Admiral Beatty," he said. An' I said, "I've got a message for you from Admiral Jellicoe." "What's that, Ad-

"Well, it was a still quiet kind of night, and presently I heard the same voice talkin' to itself below, an' it as

"Then the furnace-door bangs an' miral Beatty?' he said. "Well, he says clear as it might be me own voice the voice comes up again, quare an' he wants me to cut out your perishin' talkin' to you at the present time, an'

cheerful in tone, an' it says,

lights and liver," "How's that, Beatty?" it says, 'Good mornin', Admiral Beatty. morning', Admiral Jellicoe.

he said. "Well, Good

the fact is, Admiral -Good mornin', Admiral Jellicoe.— mornin', Admiral Beatty.--How's your

Fallow," I said. "Jellicoe says that How are you, Beatty?-I'm fine, thank family, Jellicoe?-Satisfactory, thank you're the old freezer who drags poor you, Jellicoe, an' how's yourself?—I

you, Beatty. Have a beer? Well, I sailors out of the pubs on a dark night mustn't grumble, Beatty; but look don't mind if I do, Jellicoe. What's an' sends them to sea. So now I'm goin' here, Beatty, I've got a small kind of yours? Mine's a bitter. Beatty. But to cut out your perishin' lights and job for you. ~ Pleasure, I'm sure, look here. Beatty, how about that little liver, you see."-An' what happened Jellicoe. What is it?-Well, I want you job?-What's that, Jellicoe? Well,

then, Beatty?-Well, then I cut out his to

go up to

the Shetland Islands, didn't I tell you to go up to the Shet perishin' lights an' liver, Jellicoe.--Oh, Beatty, an' you'll find up there a stin- land Islands and find an old bollard you cut out his perishin' lights an kin', blinkin', gollopin' son of a cross-called Admiral Fallow?--I believe you Beatty. Yes, I knew that's what you liver, did you? That's a good job, eyed parson called Admiral Fallow. did, Jellicoe. Must have slipped my

An' then I said. memory-Slipped your memory, did wanted, Jellicoe. it. Beatty? That won't do. Have an- "Good mornin', Admiral Beatty," he "Good mornin,' Admiral Fallow." other Jellicoe? Well, perhaps I will, said.--Well, I'm pleased about that, but you can't get out of it that way, Beatty. You do as I tell you, that's a

a beer?-No. Beatty. Have

I don't good lad. All you've got to do is to

want a beer, thank you all the same. Jellicoe. You're welcome, Beatty. An go up to the Shetland Islands and you'll find there a perishin' old freezer now you've cut out that old freezer's called Admiral Fallow, d'you

lights and liver. I think you ought to Beatty? An' I want you to cut out his have a beer.-Oh, well, Jellicoe, if you lights an' liver for me.--All right, Jel-

insist-'I'd rather you had a beer. licoe if you make a point of it, I will.. Beatty, because I want to hear how Well, good mornin', Admiral Beatty. you cut out-------” Good mornin', Admiral Jellicoe,' An'. every time the Fireman comes to the lights an' liver you'd hear him open the furnace-door and let fly his shovel as if the Admiral himself was on it.

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"Well, the old man comes across to me again, shakin' like an aspen on the hills of Kilbog, and he says, 'Did you hear that, Mafferty? I wouldn't tell you a lie,' says I: 'it could be that I might be catchin' a word or two here

and there.'"

3

"Well, what will I be doin'?" says he. "I wouldn't be noticin' it at all, says I 'the gintlemen below don't know that he's to be heard above, an' it's beneath the dignity of a fine officer like yourself to be overhearin' the private talk of a fireman, so it is, an' you commandin' the great fleets in your time. But it's meself that will be sayin' a word in season to the Chief Engineer, the way the gintleman will - be keepin' his soliloquies to himself from this day to the world's end.'

"So I says a word to the Chief En- gineer, an' he goes below an' he whis- pers to the Fireman, 'Will you keep your perishin' mouth shut?' An' the Fireman says, 'I never opened my mouth, Sir, except to sing a hymn; but I won't sing no more if you say so, Sir.'

"Well, then there was quiet for may- be ten minutes, an' the Admiral came back near the ventilator again as calm as you'd wish. But presently it was 'Good mornin' Admiral Jellicoe-Good mornin'. Admiral Beatty-How are you, Jellicoe?-My cough's bad, Beatty. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Jellicoe. Hot, isn't it?-It's perishin' hot, Beatty. And talkin' of that, Beatty, how about that old freezer in the Shet- land Islands?-Which one, Jellicoe?→→→ The one that drags poor sailors out of the pubs an' sends them to sea on a dark night-Oh, you mean Admiral Fallow, Jellicoe?-That's who I mean, Beatty-Well, don't you worry, Jel- licoe, I've done what you said.—What, you've cut out his perishin' lights an' liver, have you? Yes, Jellicoe, I've cut his perishin' lights an' liver out- Well I'm glad about, that, Beatty.-

!

Mafferty, "like the Shannon river, for "Well, so it went on," said Mr.

ever an' ever, an' all the time the old man was pacin' an' pacin' up an' down the bridge the way you'd think he was a caged lion, an' meself gazin' into. deaf man. An' at last he exploded in the black night pretendin' I was a a grand passion, an' he says, 'If this doesn't stop, Mafferty,' he says, 'you'll lose your ship. So I put my head into the great ventilator-shaft, an' I was just framin' a quare kind of a cares- sin' message on my lips to Fireman Flood, when the torpedo struck us."

"What happened then, Mr... Mafferty?" I said.

"We was all drowned. Ivery one of us," he said.

Reprinted by permission of the pro-- prietors of "Punch."

5-8

(Released' by 'The Ball Gyndiente, fác.)

When the boy-friend observed It looked like rain, Jos the hot dog prop said huffily, “It ain't—it's. coffee."